Sunday, September 25, 2011

Weekend Box Office Report! Lion King.....wait what? Again?

People must REALLY be in desperate need for something to watch that isn't total ass, since a movie that's been available to purchase for well over 10 years is number 1 at the box office AGAIN! Lion King 3D came in with $22 million for this weekend! Did just as well this week as it did last. That's pretty insane. I doubt even Disney expected that. Looks like this may be the only movie put out this year that doesn't suffer because of the 3D stamp on. Go figure. Fucking Lion King.

In number 2 was a movie that's actually gotten REALLY good reviews, Moneyball, starring Brad Pitt. It made $20 million for the weekend, proving Brad Pitt is still extremely relevant and well liked. Should give the studios making World War Z a sigh of relief. Though I still don't understand why they are releasing that in December next year so close to The Hobbit. That's just suicidal.  But anyway, good for this movie. Nice to see something that looks to be of quality get some attention. Pitt may also be in the race for a best actor Oscar come nomination time for this movie, so expect to hear about it for a while longer. I'll check it out when it hits netflix, er, Nestle Qwikster.

Number 3 went to Dolphin Tale! Made also about $20 million. The studio actually expected more. They are wondering if Morgan Freeman is to blame for this not picking up more cash. Freeman you see went on CNN and CORRECTLY called the Tea Party a bunch of dumb fuck racists in not so many words. So the studio thinks this may have alienated some people away from the film. Uh huh. OK, none of those tea part cock suckers were EVER going to see a movie about a dolphin and the reason this bombed is because IT"S A MOVIE ABOUT A FUCKING FISH! And in THREEEE DEEEEEE no less. So EXTRA charge to see a movie about a dolphin that cant swim. Thanks, but fuck you. THIS again is why Hollywood is in ruins. It's run by brain dead assholes who refuse to take blame for their own shitty products. Fucking fish movie.

"A dolphin isn't a fish, it's a mamm..." SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Number 4 was Abduction with a miserable $11 million. This movie is important because it was the first test to see whether Taylor Lautner, who plays the shirtless werewolf boy in those hideous sparkling vampire movies, could open a movie with him as a star that doesn't have the words Twilight in it. The answer is no, fuck you. NEXT!

Number 5 is Killer Elite, which stars Robert De Niro, Jason Statham, and Clive Owen. I honestly had no idea this movie was coming out this week, and neither did anybody else since it made only $9 million. Less than that stupid werewolf kid. That's sad. How did they NOT market this film with that cast? Ridiculous. Again why Hollywood is sunk.

I don't even know what the fuck is coming out next week, so we'll probably have Lion Kind 3D number 1 again just out of sheer desperation. Christ do movies SUCK now. Ugh! By the way, that new Transformers movie is coming out to rent soon! I haven't seen it yet. Refused to watch it in theaters since part 2 made most of my brain explode due to its stupidity, and I had to piece it together bit by bit. I haven't been right ever since. But a number of geeks pulled out fully erect penises at me and proclaimed this to be the movie of the summer. So now I'll get to see it for myself. And if it isn't good, hell to pay :)

Ta ta for now!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

F*ck you America! Volume 1: Krispy Kreme Donuts

Welcome to my newest column, F*ck You America! Where i take a shot at our beloved nation with it's near zombie like populace and point out an injustice we the smart must suffer due to the complete lack of restraint, intelligence, and brain power displayed by the vast majority of our fellow fucking countrymen! Let us begin:
 
 
You know what I miss? Krispy Kreme Donut Shops! Remember those?
 
 
 
A few years ago, Krispy Kreme were all the rage! Freshly made donuts hot off the oven dipped in obscene amounts of frosting that felt like you were eating the penis of God in your mouth. They tasted better than sex! Well no they didn't but they were some damn good donuts! And for a while America embraced this deliciousness and Krispy Kreme shops opened EVERYWHERE! They were approaching Starbucks levels of availability. If you wanted a donut from the trenches of Heaven, you need only walk 10 feet and bump into a Krispy Kreme. It was great! The gluttony was so vile, so horrid, so scrumptious! It seemed as if we would always have delicious donuts available to our beck and call for all times...
 
But then it all came tumbling down and rolling us over in a heap of lard. The news media satrted to pick up on the fast growing amount of Krispy Kreme donut shops, and did something the media very RARELY ever does. They SHAMED us! They SHAMED this country! Our glutton thrown in our faces! Images of bulbous guts sticking out from under 4XL shirts dominated news footage! Then we as a nation were embarrassed and ashamed of ourselves as the sight of 400 pound fat assholes trampling over grandmothers to be the first to taste a warm donut from the newly opened krispy kreme shop just opened spilled all over the news. As a result, the entire country decided that it would go on a diet! And for a brief, wholesome period, we as Americans all went on a diet! Forsaking donuts, McDonalds, ice cream and everything else that contributed to our corpulence.  The news media was proud of us! We were patted on the head for deciding not to have heart attacks by 35. Everything was happy!
 
But as usual with diets, it only lasted about 15 minutes before we decide its too hard and food too good to keep at it, and America did what it does best and just said "fuck it", grabbed a beer, took off it's shoes and turned on the game. Sadly, by the time this happened, the damage to Krispy Kreme was done. The stocks fell deeper than the earth's crust, and all those newly opened stores where many a grandmother was crushed by the sandals of 500 pound 50 year olds in a desperate need of a sugary fix, all closed down, never to be opened again. And we as Americans were too busy catching our breaths from the 10 minute power walk on the treadmill to notice them all gone. Thus endeth Krispy Kreme.
 
So we now live in a country where everyone is still not only fat but getting FATTER by the day, but with no Krispy Kreme shops at all! If you want a freshly made donut, you have to brave a Dunkin Donuts. Problem with that is the fact there's only about 4 good Dunkin Donuts across the country. The rest are populated with pimple faced teenage virgins and fresh off the boat immigrants, and never seem to have ANYTHING there. You might get lucky and come across a glazed donut. Or if chance favors you on a specific day you might actually find a vanilla frosted one! But it's not likely. So thanks America, and fuck you! For being  a nation of morbidly obese, sexless assholes who decided they would diet just long enough to kill off the best tasting donuts a person could find this side of the Atlantic. If you're going to be a nation of fatso's at least have the decency to keep the donut shops open for those few of us who know how to show a bit of restraint and enjoy a sweet treat every once in a while and not on a 24/7 sugar binge! Assholes.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Trailer Park: J. Edgar

Here's the trailer for J. Edgar. Based on the life of FBI founder and cross dresser extraordinaire, J. Edgar Hoover. Staring Leonardo DiCaprio and directed by Clint Eastwood.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=vD99zwj-ZUg#!

This is one of the few movies coming out this year that I'll actually hover into a movie theater to see. What I like about it is the fact that it doesn't seem to be shying away from the bullshit that Hoover pulled in his life as well as all the good. For all his ambition he was also a very bitter, paranoid man, and loved to invade the privacy of others and blackmail them with the shit he found. Reason being was the heavily rumored and by all accounts most likely tidbit that he was a closeted gay man, who also had a habbit of cross dressing. His supposed lover was his number 2 man, who never left his side. You can spot him in the trailer. So I'm glad to see the film actually go there and not just ignore it, as well as the fact that Hoover by and large was a total fucking asshole. DiCaprio will likely be excellent, and Eastwood's direction is always very reliable. So count me in! Movie comes out November 9.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Weekend box office report! Really? The Lion King? Huh.

Wow! Everything new is old again. As it to prove just how shitty movie going is right now, a film more than 10 years old has managed to come out at number 1 this weekend.
 
The Lion King 3D came out at number 1 this week with nearly $30 million dollars! That's better than anything else has done for the past month! And everyone and their mother and unborn children have seen this fucking movie already! Twice! But never the less, audiences flocked to it this weekend. I don't know why, but there they were. This will only be the beginning of a new trend of course. Old hits being re-released in 3D cock in order to cash in. The Penis of George Lucas has already announced it plans to release all Star Wars films in 3D starting next year. But since the Penis of George Lucas is spiteful, it has decided to go in order and release everyone's favorite, The Phantom Menace first! Cause Jar Jar in 3D, that's going to be AWESOME! Meesa be more obnoxious in da turd dimensionon!
 
In number 2 was the killer disease movie Contagion with $14 million.The way things are headed around the country these days, a killer disease doesn't sound too shabby.
 
Number 3 is Drive, which does look pretty interesting. Enough for me to add it to my netflix queue, but that's about it. That's my rate of high praise these days. It made $11 million so it'll be arriving in my mailbox soon enough me thinks.
 
Number 4 is The Help which is just wont go away. It made $6 million for this week, but at this rate has more money than it could possibly need, and more than any black person who watched it will ever have.
 
Number 5 is Strawdogs, a remake of a suspense movie of some type. It made $5 million. The original had Dustin Hoffman. This one does not. :shrugs:\
 
The only other major release for this weekend was something called "I Dont Know How She Does It!" Apparently no one else knows either and she didn't manage to do jack shit, only making $4 million for the weekend.
 
So there you have it. Lion King 3D. Shit. The Lords of the Rings films are also planned out for 3D, as well as James Cameron's Cock/Titanic. Of all those, I'd only consider seeing Lord of the Rings. Those movies have actually managed to hold up extremely well over the years, and damned be I, actually come off BETTER today than they did when they were originally released. You can see how pretty much every fantasy type thing to come along since then tries as best it can to be a Lord of the Rings type of style. Game of Thrones is the only one that's gotten close.
 
That's it for now! Until next time kiddo's!

Monday, September 12, 2011

Weekend box office(or lack thereof) report!

Yeah I'm a day late and a dollar short so sue me. Here's what's up this weekend:
 
At number one is a new release, Contagion. About a killer virus that spreads and and kills people! Outbreak part 2 I guess. It made $23 million for the weekend which ends up being the only highlight.
 
Number 2 was The Help. Again. People are now watching this out of sheer boredom. It made $8 million.
 
At three was Warrior, the latest version of Rudy, this time set in the word of UFC. Or some shit like that. Whatever. It made a wimpy $5 million.
 
At 4 was The Debt, a movie where old people kill retired Nazi's. It made just over $4 million
 
And finally rounding out the top 5 is Hot Chick Kills People. Otherwise called Colombiana. It made $4 million for this weekend.
 
There were two other wide releases this weekend. Something called Creature and something from Adam Sandler's production company called Bucky Larson: Born to be a Porn Star. Both flopped like fish out of water. Neither even made the top 10. Bucky Larson made just over 1 million, and Creature couldn't even do that. It made half a million. It'll probably out on DVD tomorrow and hidden away so whoever released it could pretend it never happened.
 
That's all for this week! I'm off now to ponder the point of my fucking existence. Until next time!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Weekend box office(or lack thereof) report!

This report is for the 4 day labor day weekend! Isn't that exciting? No? Fuck off then! Curiously enough, fuck off is what movie goers said to Hollywood this weekend, as only 1 film managed to make over $10 million dollars. And that would be...

...This weeks number 1 spot of course, "The Help" once again clinging to the top spot with $14 million. That would normally seem like a weak showing, but these days it looks like gold.

Number 2 movie was something called The Debt.with $9 million. It has something to do with people hunting down retired Nazi's. The jews who own Hollywood need their fix too!
 I hear Mel Gibson didn't like it.

Numero tres is Apollo 18 with $8 million. It's one of those hand held scary movies where absolutely NOTHING happens for 90 minutes other than characters yelling at each other that they think they saw something, only for all hell to break loose for 5 seconds at the very end of the film before something inevitably breaks or eats the camera recording it all. I hear Tom Hanks makes a cameo in this movie as the creature tormenting the astronauts and breaking/eating said camera, but the only way to confirm this is to see the movie which I wont do so lets just pretend it's Tom Hanks and leave it at that OK? Good. Moving on...

Number 4 is Shark Night 3D with another $8 million, and the final nail in the coffin of Hollywood shoving 3D onto every movie possible. I have no idea what this movie is about, but for some reason, I get the striking feeling it might have something to do with manatees! Or Tom hanks.

And number 5, making me type this massive title once again just to spite my existence, is Rise of the Planet of the Apes. It made $7 million.

So yeah, VERY weak showing this weekend. At this point, I'm only posting these reports just so I can laugh and mock Hollywood for turning out lame shit at the theaters. And making it all in fucking 3D. Assholes. OK so I think i may have developed carpal tunnel after having typed out the Apes title again so I'm gonna cut this off right here. Until next time!

Champion the delusional

Know what you'll never see on this blog? A personal note. A look into the solace of my life. A detailed saga describing who am I, how I came to be, why I am the man I am today. A fucking origin story. I do not intend to ever post an entry full of grandiose high importance that makes me out to be the most fascinating person in the cosmos. I will not sit here and try to formulate a life lesson to form a desired Hollywood esque outcome because I fully expect it to happen cause hey life works out always and God is there nodding for me to succeed. Life RARELY happens the way you want it to without your direct involvement and God is not there whispering sweet nothings in your fucking ear because all your idea of God is is what mommy and daddy spoon fed to you when you were a child and you are too guilt tripped and frightened to question otherwise for fear of being lonely and self reliant. Amusing how we can all claim to talk to "God" and people just smile and nod. Yet if i sat here and claimed that I talked to Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, I would be locked up in a loony bin and rightfully so! Don't worry I don't actually speak to Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart ::be silent Salieri, I'm typing!:: "But what makes you tick?" My ass. kiss it. "But surely you can tell us how your life blah blah blah" Fuck you and die. If it's ONE trend I am actually quite tired of seeing, it's championing the delusional. Taking high risk fantasy filled to the brim with epic fail, and pretending it's some sort of good idea. We then make reality shows of this and watch as it all falls apart. Or have people hope to make reality shows of this by posting away talking to....someone. Wanna know why I'll never post personal struggle here(and I do have PLENTY)? Because I don't give a fuck for the world to know. Nope. Don't give a fuck. The fucks are not given. Not cared for, are the fucks. I have no interest in pity parties or inspiring Jack and his neighbor Shit. I'm going to post BULLSHIT! And guess what, my BULLSHIT is a hell of a lot more interesting than sage warnings coming from people with self inflicted personal struggles born out of delusion and strife all in the vain attempt to have a Disney logo appear at the end of their road. Want to impress me? Take life, squirt a fuck into it's ass and claim your own self made victory. I know plenty of people who have done exactly this and goddamn if I don't admire the shit out of them. So enough with championing delusions. Me and Salieri are going to have FUN here. Want something different? The fucks are flying south for the winter. By all means go and try to catch one. I will let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

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