Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Hey! Willard won the Florida prim...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

...zzzzzzzzzzzzz:fap::fap:zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

...zzzzzGAH!!!! SPARKLE!! UGH!!!!



Oh..um....where was......Ah yes, so Willard Mitt Romney has won the Florida primary. He beat the fat blow hard otherwise known as Newt Gingrich who'se only claim to fame in recent weeks was his idea to build a 51st state upon the Moon. No. I did not just make that up.


Anyway. Newt is fat and angry, so he'll try to stick it out in this race as long as possible. And he's like a succubus, he feeds off energy. Newt feeds off of hatred and the questioning of his higher sense of self. So for every republican, pundit, and media personality that demands to know why he is still in this thing when he has NO chance, Newts determination increases by five percent. If i do my math correctly........lets see.....5 times 9......add 2......carry the 1........So he's currently at 7 million percent and counting. He'll stay in this thing fueled only by rage. It's almost admirable if he wasn't such a repulsive fuck head who deserves to be bitch slapped at every corner of the country.

Anyway, so Willard is going to be the republican nominee. This is almost a sure thing now. He'll spend the next few months telling make believe stories about a fictional preisdent named Obama who bears little to NO resemblance to the ACTUAL President Obama. This will make for an extremely annoying and very boring campaign. Look, this is simple. YOU already know who you are voting for. Everyone does. You either hate the black guy, or you don't. I for one want the entire republican party to jump off a cliff and cease to fucking exist, so I'll be voting for the black guy. Plus, mormon's are weird and I dont want a president who wears Jesus underwear. "Thats very prejudi...."SHUT the fuck up! So, honestly, feel free to tune out from this election now. Don't worry, Ii'll keep you up to date on the fun stuff!

I will say though, Willard is an EXTREMELY week candidate. He's almost certainly made of plastic, has the personality of a cardboard cut out, and inspires passion in absolutely no one. Not to mention republican ideaology and ideas are all PROVEN failures(thanks W. Bush) at this point. So the only thing he has to run on is "I ain't the black guy!", and when your ONLY issue to run on is I'm not him, you will LOSE. Right John Kerry?

Right.


Oh, and Ron Paul and Rick Santorum are also still in the race but.....nobody cares. Ron Paul has a fanbase about as big as the people demanding the return of Pepsi Blue, and Rick Santorum is now known for being named after shit and lube. So nobody cares. Bye!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

A post about POOLEETEEKS! Read this!

So tonight was the South Carolina primaries, and WHOA NELLY!!!! EARTH SHATTERING THE APOCALYPSE THE END OF ALL LIFE NINTENDO 64 OH MY GOOOOOOOyeah Newt Gingrich won.

Really wasn't that hard for him. This past week, Willard made a series of verbal mistakes, mostly because he has a desperate desire to appear like one of the poor working class, and people finally noticed he's a rich bitch

So poor Willard collapsed under the weight of his own wealth, and stuttered and fumbled and made himself look stupid. I mean how do you manage to make your tax returns look like the impending anal pounding from the cock of Satan? Willard refuses to release his tax returns, probably cause it shows how repulsively rich he is and how easily he manipulates his wealth in order to pay the lowest possible tax rate, and this has become an issue now. He looks unreliable, untrustworthy, and like a smug prick you just want to slap around a little. In a time when the rich fucking people over with glee has become THE biggest issue around, no person has a bigger "I enjoy manipulating your anus" smile than Romney.

So the man who stole his hair off a Lego person, Newt Gingrich, won tonight. This is mainly because the primary took place in South Carolina. South Carolina longs for the days of segregation and slavery, so in order to win all you have to do is put in obviously racist yet plausibly deniable terminology in your vernacular. In other words, you just have to say "I hate niggers" in a way that the media can't specifically call you out on it. And that is exactly what Newt did. Saying President Obama, the first African American president is the "food stamp president" is such an obvious dog whistle to bitter old white farts, you just have to fucking laugh at the absurdity of it. But rednecks with three day old shit stained underwear hear that, and it sends a signal into their brains. It's like Inception, but for bigots. So that's what Newt did. He went around saying "die black people die" in ways that only the brain dead racist idiots who make up the population of South Carolina..."oh its not fair for you to call them all brain dead and ra..." the brain dead racist idiots who make up the population of South Carolina could understand. He also did the ONLY thing that causes republicans to get horny about: He cursed out the media. The horrible dirty, no good, liburururururlal media. Why? Cause they wanted to know how a man so fat and ugly could get away with being such a whore. So once again, the mouth breathers of South Carolina saw this and went "That man made my wonk tingle! He gets mah vote!"So while Willard was standing over there trying to figure out what day of the week it was, Newt was foaming at the mouth like an angry pit bull ready to strike down a black mail man, took the lead in the polls, and has now WON the South Carolina primary.

Oh and Ron Paul and Frothy Santorum are also still there, but  nobody gives a shit. "NO RON PAUL IS THE SAVIOR OF THE COUNTRY..." Ron Paul is a stupid old coot who will GLADLY take away every life line and safety net currently available that keeps you and the morons who support him one foot away from total economic ruin , and hopes nobody will notice how miserable things become without them since everyone will be able to smoke a joint. Shut the fuck up!

The only winner again tonight is Obama. Gingrich will NEVER win. EVER. Romney is becoming more damaged every week he's standing. So it's going to get the point where all he'll have to do to win re-election is simply point to his opponent and go "really?" and he'll win with 75% of the vote. But this is what the republican party deserves. When you suck kiss ass only to the crazy people amongst you, don't be surprised whenever everyone else looks at you like you smell of shit.

Oh, and in case you missed it, here's  a brief summary of the speeches the remaining candidates gave tonight"

Frothy Santorum: I hate faggots! They like to fuck each other in the ass! Fucking in the ass is gross! I want to be fucked in the ass! Look at my sweater vest! I want men, please love me?

Ron Paul" THE GOVERNMENT IS A MASSIVE TYRANNOSAUR AND WILL AT YOUR BABIES UNLESS YOU KILL IT AND EAT IT WITH MASH POTATO'S AND BACON!! WHY IS THAT CLOUD IN THE SKY LOOKING AT ME SOMEONE SHOOT IT!!!

Willard; Obama is a black alien from the planet Xornia! He is a succubus who will violate your essence and turn you into a hormonal zombie!He has sex with Europe, Only I can save you LOVE ME!!!!!!

Newt: FUCK YOU!!!! FUCK YOU!!!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!!!! FUCK YOU!!!! FUCK YOU!!! I HATE NIGGERS!!! FUCK YOU!!!!vote for me.

Until next time darlings! The clown car keeps riding.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Politics? Schmolitics!

Yo-ho! It's an election year! And therefore it's time to get back in the grind and perk my head up like a meercat and pay attention. Or maybe, eh! I'm not going to get sucked into it like I did last time. No more of that! My blood pressure spikes up, i get angry, annoyed, and irritated. I lash out and break things....oh wait that's my standard Thursday! I'm just not gonna take it so seriously anymore cause I don't give much of a damn. This country reaps what it sows. I've turned blue in the face telling you why voting for these right wing fucks is as useful as drinking a spoonful of  hydrochloric acid, so if you don't get it at this point, then you're either brain dead, indoctrined by mamma y pappa, or have a death wish. Or you hate black people. Either way, I'm done with that shit. Instead i'm just going to do what i like to do best. MOCKERY!

So let's begin tonight with the first major event of the year, the one that gets the ball rolling in choosing a republican candidate for president in this lovely year, the Iowa Caucus! Iowa Caucus. Caucus. The hell kind of word is caucus? It sounds like a Shakespearean term for taking a shit! "Hither art thou Romeo? Upon a privy depositing a caucus?" Fuck this word! I'm not using this word! Piss off! Sounds like i'm choking on my tongue. CAUCCKCUAS!!!

Anyway, what this event is, is a bunch of white people, and one woman, go to Iowa and kiss the ass of aother inept white people on why they should be chosen as the candidate for president. These inept white people then head off to a...somewhere....yell at eachother for a few hours then decide who should be the nominee, and that asshole wins. The asshole than runs around saying he won the Iowa Caucasian and usually loses one of the next few primaries, geting eliminated from being of any further use and making the Iowa CAUCCKCUAS as useles as it sounds. Or something like that. Look I dont know what a Iowa Cacophony actually is and I dont give a cauc. Whoever wins this still has a long shot to go to win the nomination, so this is basically a way to make an otherwise irrelevant state with a bunch of uneducated morons feel important. But anyway, here's who won  and who matters from here on out:

Willard "mitt" Romney

Mitt Romney is almos the sure fire winner of the republican nomination this year, strictly out of DEFAULT. Every single other candidate is either too stupid or too insane to be the nominee. So by luck, he'll be the nominee, despite the fact that republicans HATE him. Romney's problem is he's the STEREOTYPE of a common politician. He panders, and changes positions depending on who'se ass he needs to kiss. He's too much of a fake for brain dead right wingers! Imagine that! Never the less, hes's the ONLY one with any chance of fighting Chocolate Jesus come November. So expect mass depression from right wingers soon.

Ron Paul:
Ron Paul doesn't believe in unnecessary wars. He also believes in legalizing weed. For that reason, young people who cant see beyond three feet support him. Paul also wants to abolish medicare, social security, currency, every single department of government, Israel, women's rights, gay people, Sascha Baron Cohen, racial tolerance, and jolly ranchers. In other words, he's a fucking lunatic who will never amount to shit outside of anywhere other than 4chan. Irrelevant candidate is irrelevant. But white people who hate black people love him since he wants to abolish government and therefore deny the ability for poor black people to get money. Yay him.

Rick Santorum:

The above picture tells you why this man will never be anything outside of the hearts of the most brain dead of brain dead religious retards who exist in Iowa and vote in the Iowa Cacodemon. Santorum also has an uncomfortable hatred for gay people. He LOVES talking about the evils of the gay. Even saying that it was equal to beastiality. This leads me to believe that Santorum has deviant fantasies about having anal sex with large bulldogs in bow ties who resemble Fabio.

There's other candidates running too....but nobody gives a shit about them right now since they all did DICK in the Iowa Shitsauces. So we'll avoid talking about them for now.

And thus begins the long slog in the right wing's attempt to find a candidate for November. It sure looks like a depressing crop of idiots running this year. I cant imagine anybody happy with this. Well, except maybe this guy:

Monday, January 2, 2012

A Look Ttowards 2012

As I alluded to in my previous post, 2012 looks to be a FAR better year in terms of media(and hopefully everything else) than 2011 was. So let us have a brief look at some of the things we can look forward to now that we have entered this new year. Here's a quick run down of the top 5 albums, video games, and films I am most drooling over in this new year

Top 5 Video Games to glance at in 2012:

5. Silent Hill: Downpour
The Silent Hill franchise started off as THE best survivalist horror series ever made. Sadly, after a few disappointing sequels, including the wretched "Homecoming", the series has hit a major snag. Downpour promises to fix all ills. Or so we're told. New developers have their hands on this game, so we can be optimistic that they'll deliver. The mood seems to be back on atmosphere and not action, which is where the previous few games went wrong. We won't know if this is the game that brings this series back to life, but we do know this is the last chance Silent Hill has to prove it's still relevant.
4. Twisted Metal
FAR too long it has been since the last Twisted Metal game. That last one was a classic too. So it left off on a good note. But now Twisted Metal returns and onto the PS3. This game promises to be a mixture of storyline and online combat mode, so it will have the best of all words. Should end up being a hell of a lot of fun if anything.
3. The Last Guardian
Team Ico return with their third masterpeice of a game, following "Ico" and the absolutely stunning "Shadow of the Colossus". Not much is known about this game, other than you play a little boy who has to safe guard and lead a giant, uh creature, out of danger and into freedom. Expect to have your heart strings pulled. This game has been delayed for about 2 years now, but it looks like 2012 MIGHT be the year where it finally comes out. At least it better be!
2. Bioshock: Infinite
The first Bioshock game was a true masterpiece. A game in which story, design, and game play were all of equal value. The result was something you had NEVER seen before. A game which took place in a ruined underwater metropolis named Rapture, lorded over by a mad man and crawling with psychopaths, demented little girls, and huge bodyguards named "Big Daddies". You truly felt like you were in a different world. One that was completely demented that showed you something new at every turn. Then came Bioshock 2, and it was a disappointment. It wasn't a terrible game, but it felt like a huge step down. It felt like a quick cash in. The game was only half the length of the first one, Rapture which felt new and stunning in the first game was now nowhere near as appealing as it was before, the storyline was weak, and the promise made by being able to play the whole game as a big daddy was nothing more than a marketing gimmick. There was only one part int he entire game that lived up to potential(when you briefly play as a Little Sister), and only one enemy worth remembering(the high flying Big Sisters). But now comes Bioshock: Infinite. And this one looks like the sequel that should have been. Taking place LONG before Rapture was built, Infinite takes place nowhere near the ocean. Opting instead for the open skies. You play in a floating city named Columbia which is dedicated to the idea of American exceptionalism, and is on the verge of total collapse. The storyline looks great, the visuals are simply awe inspiring, and the enemies look memorable once again(that fucking Song Bird scares me already). This is what Bioshock looks like at full potential.

1. Mass Effect 3
The Mass Effect storyline comes to what is hoped to be an epic conclusion. The story lines from the first 2 games, and the decisions you make as your character progresses, all come to a head as the Earth itself is under attack this time. This is one of THE most anticipated games of 2012, and the level of hype for it will be deafening. It also has the most to deliver. I fear it may me almost too much hype to be matched, but I'll try to remain optimistic. Either way, this is the game to beat in 2012.

Music:
5. Dead Can Dance - TBA
Dead Can Dance hasn't put an album of new material out since the last 90's when they broke up. But now they are doing a full scale reunion. Putting out a new album and a world tour to go with it. I'm am extremely anxious to hear what sounds they come up with. And hopefully they tour through here cause I'll pay someone tot ake me to that shit! Obviously there's no new songs to post here just yet, so I'll leave you with this old classic of theirs:
4. Gary Numan - Splinter
I bounce every time I hear of news that a new Numan album is on the horizon. And now is he time He released a compilation of unreleased tracks in 2011, and now in 2012 its time for a full length album of new material. It promises to be more dense, and aggressive than previous material. A top contender for album of 2012 right here. Again. no new stuff to post, so here's something from the 2011 CD:
3. Ministry - Relapse
In 2007, Ministry main man Al Jourgensen decided to call it a day and retire Ministry. Having released three consecutive albums dedicating to hammering the shit out of the Bush administration, Uncle Al decided his work was done and he wanted to ride off into the sunset. Then something happened. Due to unchecked ulcers, Jourgensen found himself in a hospital and nearly died. After he got out, he got healthy, cleaned himself up, and started writing again. Convinced by his long time guitarist that the material he was writing was some of the best he had ever done, Jourgensen was convinced to dust of his boots and bring Ministry back to life. So we now have a new, revamped Ministry album on the way with some of the most aggressive songs ever put forth by the band. This one is going to kick all kinds of ass.
2. Mind.In.A.Box - Revelations
This will be one of the first albums to come out this year and that makes me EXTREMELY happy. Mind.In.A.Box is one of the most unique and original electronic bands around today. They sound like something from the future that has no business being around today. Thier albums all evne have an ongoing storyline, in which the lyrics revolve around. All except the previous album, RETRO, which was a tangent album. They went out of their way to make that album using sound originally found on old school game systems, in particular the Commodore 64. It was a brilliant album, but was different from their usual sound. Now they come back with a proper album that continues the storyline and is back to their standard sound. This one is going to be EPIC.
1. Celldweller - Wish Upon A Blackstar
LONG in the making, this album became a running joke for me. Ever year brought the potential promise of a new Celldweller album, and every year went by with out one. Since 2005 this has been going on. During all this time, Celldweller mastermind Klayton Scott has done a whole slew of various things with himself. From save himself from financial ruin, to building his very own high powered studio. He's started his own record label, produced new artists, soundtracks for video games, movies, and television shows, and he's even started his own clothing line. All during this time he's mixed his time in creating this follow up album to his brilliant 2003 self titled debut. But now it's finished. It has a release date. It's ready to go. 2012 WILL be the year the new Celldweller album finally drops. He's even managed to stuff in an additional 5 songs onto the album. The anticipation for this one is deadly. I'm sure it will deliver the goods though.


And now to end this fun, here's a look at the top 5 movies I'm salivating for in 2012. Just with these 5 alone, 2012 beats the piss out of 2011 in terms of films

5. The Hunger Games
The first of a trilogy, The Hunger Games is about a fascist government which forces each of it's 12 districts to choose children between the ages of 12 and 18 to compete in a televised death match where only one person can win. The books follow Katniss Everdeen, who volunteers for the games to protect her young sister from having to go in. Also chosen is Peeta Mellark, son of a baker who harbors feelings for Katniss. The books are NOT what you think, and the subject matter is NEVER made light of. This is a dark, well written story about death, sacrifice, and the will to survive. I'm sure you'll see this movie marketed towards the Twilight crowd, mainly cause that's there the guaranteed money is, but don't be fooled. These books have NOTHING to do with that shit, and about a thousand times better. They are excellent books, and you'll find yourself addicted to them if you read them. The movie looks to have captured the spirit of the thing to perfection. It looks stunning. And it better be, cause books 2 and 3 are even better, and darker, than the first one.
4. The Hobbit
After YEARS of delays, all sorts of development hell, the loss of one director and the return of another, the film adaptation of The Hobbit is finally coming. Peter Jackson is back int he directors chair for this, the first of two films, which takes place before The Lord of the Rings and features the story of Bilbo Baggins, and he travels with Gandalf the Grey in a dozen dwarves to fight off a dragon. It looks like an instant masterpiece. Exactly what you'd expect. Sure to be one of the top films of the year, precious!!!

3. The Avengers
When Marvel first announced, just after the release of the first Iron Man, that they would be connecting their films so that they could one day make a full on Avengers movie, I scoffed at the idea. It just seemed too risky. Each character would have to have their own film, and it would have to be good enough to work on it's own yet still manage to tie itself to an over arching storyline in which all characters come together in one big piece. Not to mention you would need actors in those roles who could compete with Robert Downy Jr. who is walking charisma and easily tops whoever he's in a scene with. Now after all these years, and after all the film versions of their hero's have been said and done, I must say, the experiment worked. I haven't seen Marvel put out a bad movie, and in 2011 we saw both Thor and Captain America solidify this idea with both of those films being excellent. Now I'm ready for The Avengers and have full confidence that it can be as excellent as it has the potential to be. This should be the top popcorn film of the year.
2. Prometheus
Years ago, director Ridley Scott announced he had signed on to develop and direct a prequel to the original Alien movie he directed back int he 70's that launched his career. He teamed with Lost c-creator and head writer Damon Lindelof and got to work. After a few years, Scott announced that this was no longer going to be a standard fair prequel. Instead the story took a life of it's own, and the film would be it's own thing, but with obvious ties to the Alien film. The result is Prometheus. A film that brings Scott back to the sci-fi genre and looks to be one of the most epic films to be released in 2012. Looks absolutely stunning.
1. The Dark Knight Rises
As if there was any question as to what the top movie of 2012 is going to be. Please. Christopher Nolan returns to direct his finale in his Batman trilogy. This one taking place 8 years after the brilliant Dark Knight, in which Gotham is once again under the threat of collapse from a mad man. That mad man being the masked terrorist Bane. This time Batman will not only face someone of extreme intelligence, but also someone who can beat his ass in a fight. This is going to be insane!


And so there we have it! Some of the top things to look forward to in 2012. I'm very excited about this year. Not just media wise, but personally as well. Hopefully, everything works out well for everyone. Let's get moving shall we?

Sunday, January 1, 2012

2011 In Review

So thus endeth 2011. Can't say much for this year. There were some shit moments, and some very nice highlights towards the end. Guess it was a balanced year. :shrug: I dont know. i dont care. All i want is for 2012 to be a GOOD year. And goddammit, i'm gonna work towards that shit.

In terms of media, 2011 was a mixed bag. Music was an improvement this year over last, mainly cause I got into a whole slew of new artists. Some old reliables also delivered the goods again. Video games were still top noch though I did not buy nearly as many this year as I did last, and television, thanks to cable, made a massive rebound. In fact, some of the BEST things I saw all year media wise were on television. Especialy the seasons of Breaking Bad, Boardwalk Empire, and the debut of Game of Thrones. Three of the best shows around delivered unbeleivable seasons with moments so unexpected an dshocking, then just left me in complete awe. Movies were shit this year though. Total shit. There was barely anything to see, and not enough out there even caught my interest enough to run to a theater to watch. I'll compile my best and worst of movies list later on, around Oscar time. Still got a few to watch.

Anyway, lets do a qucik run down on some stuff. For best video game this year, I hand the award over to:
INFAMOUS 2!

Infamous 2 was a huge improvement over an already excellent first game. All the new additions were subtle. Better graphics, more cohesive story, power ups that made you feel like a god. And a more nifty way of chooseing to be a hero or a villain. The result was a game I had the most fun playing this year. I played this thing twice fom beginning to end without complaint and has a blast both times. It was the most fun i had with any game this year. I had expeted Batma Arkham City to take this award, but I honestly think that game is too massive for it's own good sometimes. There is so much to do it leaves my head spinning. Uncharted 3 was also excellent, but it does not beat out Uncharted 2. So Infamous 2 takes it.

My award for music goes to.....well you should check the post right below this one to see my list of music for the year.

Movies I already said i'd do later

Television.....hmm......It's a NARROW margin between Boardwalk Empire, Game of Thrones and Breaking Bad, but in the end I'm going with Breaking Bad. Season 4 of that show had me on pins and needles for nearly every episode, and the season finale was THE best hour of television I have ever seen. Mind you this was an incredibly tough call. All three of these shows delivered moment after moment of insnaity, and each one contained such a MASSIVE event that it just shake the very foundation of the entire show and leaves you wondering how on earth it can continue. But continue they shall, and I cannot wait for each new season of these shows. The fact each one returns in 2012 is another reason this will be a GREAT year.

So there's my brief run down of the year. I'm glad it's over. I'm looking foward to big changes in 2012. New opportunities, new events, new attitude, new everything. Let's all try to make it the best we can. Let go of inhibitions, let go of fear, let go of the shit that keeps you tied to the tracks. Lets start living this motherfucker up!