Atrocity movie review: Hanna

Two fucking weeks in a  row of this shit?? FUCK!!!




I'm not even putting the movie poster. THIS picture is a better representation of this thing.


I cant even FATHOM where to start with this one. There.....I.......


I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!!!!!!! GOD!!!!!!!!!

This makes Transformers 3 look like Saving Private Ryan.


Sigh. Alright. So Hanna is about.......FUCK!!!!


Alright so Hanna is about a father and daughter who have been living deep int he woods somewhere. The dad, a former CIA agent, has spent all these years training Hanna how to be a killer about educating her and this and that. All in preparation for the day when she would have to confront the real world and deal with the mysteries of her past. Yeah sounds decent enough. Now imagine every possible way to make that scenario FAIL and you have the movie Hanna. The MAIN issue with this movie, is the fact that it's filmed in Euro style hyper activity, with brain dead American writing. The combination forms a total disaster of a movie. You have oddball characters with nutty little quirks, you get super speed editing set to the tones of techno music, and plot twists as dumber than you can imagine which you can spot coming a mile away, and lets not even mention the endless amounts of plot holes. But the movie tries to compensate for all this by being VAGUE about every single little detail you can possible imagine. Throw in a typical hint of lesbian love interest and you have yourself the perfect mish mash of the worst kinds of styles form both sides of the pond.

Then of course is the problem that nothing in the movie even matters! No plot point lingers long enough to have meaning, no sequence has any lasting significance on the next, no character means shit, NOTHING AT ALL MATTERS! You could erase EVERYTHING and EVERYONE from this movie except for about 5 characters and it wouldn't make a difference. BUT all the characters act vague and weird, so HOPEFULLY, you don't notice that nothing they do makes any sense and half of them don't mean shit!

The movie is also BORING as sin. I kept closing my eyes and nearly drifting off to sleep. This is supposed to be fast paced action movie? THERE IS BARELY ANY ACTION IN IT!!! Hell a whole hour of the film is dedicated to Hanna hanging out with a family made up of plot contrivances. They aren't real people mind you, no part of any of them is believable. But they are walking in your face metaphors that let you know Hanna is experiencing the world! In her own freakish, vague way. And even THAT makes it sound better than it actually is.

The best part of it all is the fact the movie becomes more absurd and unwatchable as it goes along. By the time it reaches it's final half hour, it becomes SO over stylized, and the plot SO redundant, I wanted to shoot myself in the face. I couldn't even believe I was sitting through his heap of horse shit. And the final 5 minutes of the movie, I just started laughing! LAUGHING!!!! Because at that point, they start throwing out the SYMBOLISM at you! It's like LOOK! REMEMBER THIS DEER SHE WAS HUNTING FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE? WHERE HERE IS ANOTHER DEER IN THIS DARK TUNNEL!!! AREN'T WE FUCKING CLEVER!!!

Christ. Movies this bad insult my humanity. Hanna, a cinematic equivalent to a dirty dishwasher, its a fucking mess. A disaster of a film that doesn't even manage to be entertaining with its awfulness. It's just bland, boring, dull, redundant and fucking annoying. It's the worst goddamn thing I have seen this year by far.

Christ. Transformers 3 and now this shit. I don't even think I want to see anymore new movies this year. This is hideous. Though maybe I'll check out that Fast Five thing. I hated part 1, never saw any of the others, but Fast Five got surprisingly good reviews from the stuffy, elitist critics who usually hate those kinds of movies(they liked Hanna because it was stylized eurotrash). But hell it's at least got The Rock and Vin Diesel fighting each other, so it at least KNOWS what the audience wants. I think I will check it out. Cant possibly be any worse than this pile of puke right? Right??

Grade: F

Unfortunate Movie Review: Transformers - Dark of the Moon

Fuck you.

There's a moment in Transformers Dark of the Moon, somewhere in the last cluster fuck hour, where the Meagan Fox replacement wanders overs to a sullen and depressed Megatron, and has a heart to heart conversation with him. In effect she chastises him for being a bitch to Sentinel Prime, who seven hours earlier in the film revealed himself to be the true villain, and essentially convinces Megatron that he should go kick his ass or something. I would like to ask every single dork who praised this movie to bits WHY exactly they neglected to inform me of this particular embarrassing moment in cinematic trash? Because to say it made my eyes roll into the back of my head is an understatement. I pretty much did this:

I point out this moment in the film because the absurdity contained within this brief moment is summary to all that is wrong with Transformers Dark Side of the Moon. It is a near 3 hour mess of a film. And only one of those hours comes even close to being watchable, but not quite. That leaves a whole 2 hours worth of SHIT. Some of the annoying factors of the completely unwatchable second Transformers movie have been erased. The two nigger bots for instance are gone. Though they are replaced by two midget bots. Luckily they aren't in the movie all that much. And the lead character's parent's are greatly reduced, but still show up, and still manage to ruin every moment they are in. You would think eliminating these annoyances would improve the film. But leave it to Michael Bay and his....sense of humor....to find NEW ways to replace them! See what we get is EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER in the film for 2 hours acting like a complete oddball and lunatic. I assume this was meant to be funny? You have John Malkovich showing up for some reason($$$) as Sam Whitwhateverthisidiotcharactersnameisinthemovie new boss. And he is uselessly odd and weird and USELESS given that he eventually VANISHES from the screen, as if he were never there to begin with. The Chinese idiot from The Hangover also briefly appears in the movie, just enough to act horrendous, as does Alan Tudyk, who plays Wash from Firefly and is forced to have a terrible accent of unknown origins because people with accents are funny! Ha ha ha. John Turturro also shows up again, but seeing as he's the ONLY oddball character who was ever amusing in this franchise, he manages to steal every scene he's in. His character's confrontation with Bill O' Reilly(playing himself and being far more ugly and evil than any decepticon in the film) is one of the only times I actually chuckled at the supposed comedy contained here in. What is funny is the fact that ALL oddball characters and irritating things essentially go away in the films last hour, making them all completely pointless and the films run time needlessly long. I could shave a good hour off this thing and you wouldn't miss a single bit of it.

The film has a plot somewhere in here. Apparently the moon landing was staged so astronauts could go to the moon and check out a fallen alien spacecraft. That craft contained Sentinel Prime who was headed our way for unknown reasons(which I've partly spoiled in the first paragraph. Oops.). This is kept secret from most people, until it isn't, and the autobots head off to bring Prime's corpse down to earth to revive him, which only Optimus can do. Shrugs. There's also some business about Megatron and other decepticons trying to build a transport so they can bring to earth other decepticons and bunch of other shit to take over our world. Oh and there's also a plot line which involves human conspirators who have been working all this time with the decepticons in order to help them take over our world. None of this makes much sense, especially since the FIRST film actually exists and contradicts just about everything in this one :D  But hey lets not let a thing called continuity fuck with a franchise, dammit!

Transformers: The Wall isn't a total bust. There's I guess a small handful of things in it worth looking at the screen for? Um.....well some of the action is nice! Apparently Michael Bay had to actually slow down his shots and have them last longer in order to get them to work in 3D. The result is you can SEE what is going on! The robots all still look identical to each other so I had no clue who was getting killed unless Optimus or Bumblebee were doing the killing. They do most of the killing as it is so I suppose this wasn't too much of an issue. The whole last hour of the film is passably watchable since all annoying things are gone and it's mostly just action. But you just have to MAKE IT there to reap the benefits, and they really just aren't worth it. Or none at all come to think of it. Forget this paragraph.

Fact is, there is SO much wrong in Transformers: The Division Bell I can barely list them all. First off is the fact I didn't give a single SHIT about ANY human character on screen. Shai Lebouf makes for an irritating lead character. The fuck happened to this guy? When the first Transformers movie came out, he had a likable everyman charm about him. But in this one he comes off like an egotistical prick you just want to slap around some. I guess having Steven Spielberg shove him into a shitty Indiana Jones movie gave him a confidence boost. Sadly, it doesn't come off well on screen. Then there's also the nonsensical image of him dating the Meagan Fox replacement. On no planet, real or fiction, would  a girl THAT hot date a guy who looks like THAT. Simply doesn't exist. But the geeks who infest theaters to watch this NEED their fucking eye candy dammit and so there she is. Suffice to say the FIRST shot you see of her is of her ASS of course. The geek be appeased!



She made our twinkies move in our pants!

 So you have a convoluted plot which serves no purpose, annoying characters from top to bottom, and then the real kicker, the complete LACK of autobots! This franchise is now three films in and all tied together, with nearly 6 or 7 hours of fucking screen time, the autobots make up about 30 minutes of it. In fact I think they appear the least in this film. Shit they don't even DO anything. You may as well call this movie HUMANS cause that's what you get PLENTY of. The movie NEVER leaves the sides of the human beings. But nobody wants to see any of these assholes they want to see robots doing shit and there just isn't enough of that. Whenever the autobots DO show up, it's only AFTER the humans have already pretty much succeeded in killing or maiming the shit out of most of the decepticons. Oh and don't think they get much screen time either. Aside from the fact they all look the same, you only ever get one appear at random so he can kill a few human and then have few more humans kill him. The robots should have been front and center here not Shai Lebouf and his Meagan Fox replacement.



I get to call Megatron a bitch :D

 A lot of geeks pulled out fully erect 3 inch penises at me in regards to Transformers: Wish You Were Here. I have half a mind to castrate them all. But I've lost my tweezers so fuck it. The SPECTACLE of the film they claimed. The IMPACT of the films last hour. Well guess what, IT AIN"T ALL THAT MUCH! The action goes on for so long I actually managed to get BORED. The explosions just begin to fade into each other and I lost track of what was going on, or just didn't give a shit. An action scene to me is pointless unless I give a HINT of a shit about anybody I'm watching on screen. And this movie doesn't lead you to care for anybody or anything. It's just a gleeful amount of wanton destruction left and right with a bunch of faceless people and robots getting whacked for whatever purposes. There is something to be said about less is more and DAMN if this movie doesn't prove that one. The action doesn't even feel fresh! I've seen ALL of this before! IN OTHER MICHAEL FUCKING BAY MOVIES! What was new? What was so AMAZING as to erect normally dormant penis? "Oh you had to see it in a theater!' No I DON'T have to see it in a theater, because If a movie is ONLY good in a theater then it SUCKS. "Oh well, not every movie can be an Oscar winner or the English Patient" The English Patient. Really. So you go to THAT extreme eh? Guess what? THAT movie sucked donkey balls too :) I don't want Oscar caliber quality material. Hell I'd say most movies I like fall WAY short of that. What I do want is a SENSIBLE movie with characters worth giving just a LITTLE bit of a shit about so that when I am forced to sit through 90 minutes of bullshit "comedy" and one FULL hour of explosions and catastrophe, I am not given a sudden urge to do my fucking laundry or clip my fucking toe nails. THIS movie right here is exactly why I barely step foot in a theater these days. It's all BULLSHIT for the extremely easily amused. There is NOTHING here riveting or compelling. But the fact that it wasn't anywhere near as bad as the second one is considered GOOD ENOUGH these days. Well not for me. I still demand more. And often times enough I am given that more(X-Men: First Class) without having my head explode. So FUCK YOU and your lame ass bullshit as to why THIS steaming pile of shit was good. It wasn't and every dork who praised it like the virgin mother's breast milk can fuck the fuck off.

So, to summarize, Transformers: Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds really isn't much of a movie. It's a collection of left over Michael Bay material from the previous two films strung together in a vain hope that audiences are still dumb enough to buy it(they are). The film's first 10 hours are a barrage of toilet humor populated by stupid characters who all vanish just in time for the films final 17 hours of non stop explosions death chaos mayhem OH MY FUCKING GOD MY DICK MOVED heroics. Been there, seen that, don't care. Die. It's NOT as bad as part 2, but that really isn't a compliment. It's still a shitty movie, and it's become painfully obvious the Transformers shtick was never worth more than ONE movie. So, if you really want to experience a Dark of the Moon, might I suggest you go with the proper one:

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go piece together what's left of my brain after having lost most of it due to this shit and the geek justification for it being "good". Think I just found my Hypothalamus!

Grade: D