Best of 2011: Music

Alright, alright alright! That's that for 2011. It can go fuck itself now kthnxbai! But before it does, there are BEST OF lists to create! And worst of lists as well. I mostly do thsoe for movies, but i'll be holding off for a while since there are still some movies I have yet to see that I want to. Some that will probably end up on the best of lise(like Steven Spielberg's War Horse) and some likely to go on the rubbish list(Pirates 4, which I have here and have been dreading to watch). So I'll compile those lists when I am good and ready. Maybe around Oscar season! One list I CAN do now, is my BEST OF MUSIC 2011 list. This year was FAR better than 2010. I got into a whole slew of new artists this year, and a lot of old veterans returned with stunning new albums. I compiled this list by simply looking at all the music I bought this year, and figuring which ones got the most repeated play in my stereo, and which ones made me piss myself upon listening. So here's what stood out in year 2011!

10.  Primus - Green Naugahyde
Primus returned after a decade long retirement with it's original members back in formation, and deliveed an album that wasn't quite it's old style, but something new! This pissed fanboys off who still live in 1990. But for me, it was a breath of fresh air. Had just enough of the old Primus sound with a modern day tinge to make the band relevant again after such a long hiatus. Hopefully this reformation stick and they stick around for good this time.

9. Apparat - The Devil's Walk
Of the many new bands I got into this year. All thanks to a crucial scene from season 4 of Breaking Bad(that song was called Goodbye). I loved it so much I went and checked out the rest of the groups music and was instantly hooked. Very addictived, and unique sounding with a hint of sadness throughout.

8. Devin Townsend - Deconstruction
This was one of two albums the metal mastermind released this year. The other album, Ghosts, was great on it's own, and is the polar opposite of this album. Where that album was a melodic, almost etheral sounding piece, this album was insanity from top to bottom. It never reached the speeds of SYL's City(to this date, Devin's most perfect album), but what it lacked in an all out speed assault, it made up for in sheer insanity. This is what music sounds like if it were made from an insane asylum. Yet the entire thing is focused, and never derails. You can see exactly what Townsend was going for. And he succeeds in getting it. A parody of a metal album that just happens to be a fantastic fucking metal album.

7. Big Black Delta - BBDLP1
This was the most unique sounding album I got this year. A strange hybrid of classic 80's sound with modern day techno surrounded with all sorts of distortions. It's a controlled chaos at it's best and something entirely it's own.  May this be the first of many albums this guy puts out.

6. Diary of Dreams - Ego:X
One of the most reliable bands I listen to, this German darkwave group releases what is actually it's most accessible album to date. The dark, brooding nature of this band remains in tact, but the songs are tighter and leaner. Be interesting to see what the next album sounds like.

5. VNV Nation - Automatic
VNV Nation return with what is thier most bombastic album since Futureperfect. They also prety much abandon all hint of thier original darkwave sound and go full eletronica. Mastermind Ronan Harris adds a lot of depth to the sound on this album, and each song essentially comes off like an anthem of sorts. This is shit that is meant ot be played live. Also, it's an unapologetically positive album, with barely a hint of gloom in the lyrics, siding instead for the positive. It sounds like the album Harris has been wanting to make for a decade but has held back for whatever reason. This is him saying fuck it and going all out. It's one of this bands finest albums to date.

4. IAMX - Volatile Times
One man band IAMX, comprised of former Sneaker Pimps member Chris Corners releases his 5th album under this name, and like all the previous albums, it bears very little resemblance to his pevious albums. Each IAMX album is very much it's own sound, caryring only vague hints of a stand alone style. What you get is a unique blend of electronica, indie rock, and even some cabaret to go along with it. Fueled by Corner's near flawless voice, each IAMX album is freakishly addictive. I havent heard one yet that's failed to deliver, or make my top 10 list the year it's released.

3. Junius - Reports from the Threshold of Death
This is the album that should finally bring this band the attention they deserve. It's thier best one yet by far. A tight, hard rocking album with enough psychedelic in it, you'll feel like your floating in space. The lyrics are brilliant, the songs are addicting as all hell, this is stuff that should get FAR more exposure. This is one of those bands that deserves hype. I sure as shit hope they finally get it.

2. Machine Head - Unto the Locust
The best metal album of the year. Machine Head's last album was 2007's masterpiece, 'The Blackening". It was one of THE best metal album released for the decade. It's mix of raw aggression and emotion combined with melody was something to behold. Finally, the band returns with its's new album. And while it doesnt top The Blackening(nothing really can), it is, never the less, another masterpiece. The band go for a more bare bones sound this time around, and lose none of the punch. The rage and emotions are all still intact, many times even elevated, and most of the songs feature choruses that will have you singing along hwile banging your head. This album solidifies Machine Head as one of the very best metal bands around today. They are really on thier own level at this point.

1. ASP - Fremd
I've been only casually into this band for about 2 years or so, listening to a bunch of random songs here and there, but finally made the effort to pick up thier albums earlier this year. Had to import most of them, amazon took care of the rest. What struck me is just how much I ended up getting into them. They're a German goth metal group with flourishes of electronics and classical instruments, extremely catchy melodies, all lead by the singer who'se deep baritone drives each song. More surprising still, this band has essentially filled the void for me left by the loss of Type O Negative. They are similar in some ways, though not by too much. But  i've become addicted to thsi gorup and devoured all thier albums. This past October they released thier new one, and it's the best of the bunch. Heavier that previous albums with more focus, it's a perfect summary of the group and a perfect example of why I've taken to them so much. Dripping with melody, brooding darkness and the singers unique voice, this was the album that played the most times in my stereo, and will continue to do so well into 2012.

So there's the top 10. Honorable mentions also go out to the following:

Gary Numan - Dead Son Rising
Skinny Puppy - Handover
Leaves' Eyes - Meredead
Trent Reznor/Atticus Ross - The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo Soundtrack
M83 - Hurry Up, We're Dreaming
Jesu - Ascension
16 Volt - Beating Dead Horses
Dope Stars Inc. - Ultrawired
TV On the Radio - Nine Types of Light
Nero - Welcome Reality
DarkDriveClinic - Noise In My Head

Some good stuff heading our way in 2012 too. New Queens of the Stone Age album! A newly reformed and rejuvinated Ministry returns! And most unbeleivable of all, CELLDWELLER will finally release his new album in March! Yes I can't believe it either but it's set and ready to go. he even recorded 5 extra songs for the album. And just at the very end January, the brilliant Mind.In.A.Box return with thier 4th album. Thier previous album was a tangent from thier normal style. It was a love letter album to old video game systems of the 80's. This new album is a return to form. It's destined to be right near the top of my best of list for 2012. We'll see what else makes the cut this time next year! Adios.

Movie review: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

 

 

For a year now I've had to hear about how remaking the Swedish "masterpiece" The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was a travesty upon humanity! That it could never be improved. I didn't care much for this. The American version was going to be directed by David Fincher, who is one of the best living directors today. So I just had a wait and see attitude. So this past week, I breezed through the book, saw the Swedish version, and just now have seen the America version. And it is now beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the American version is about one million times the better film. It isn't even fair to compare it. The American version improves on the Swedish film in every single possible aspect. Everything. This includes acting, direction, the story telling, style and most of all, how closely it follows the novel. so if you have never seen the Swedish version, don't. It isn't even worth it anymore now that we have this one. If you have seen the Swedish version, watch this one. Especially if you are a fan of the book. I will from here on out bitch slap anybody out of existence who lies to me and claims the Swedish version is better. That's an insult to my intelligence and to modern day cinema.

 

So with that out of the way, lets get to the film. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, based on the book of the same name, centers on a disgraced journalist who is hired by a rich Swedish industrialist to investigate who in his family killed his niece nearly 40 years ago. As he digs up answers and new puzzle pieces, he'll seek help from a hacker named Lisbeth Salander. She of said tattoo. the two investigate the murder and find themselves in increasing danger, and also form an unlikely emotional bond with each other that starts to break away Salander's otherwise ice cold demeanor.

 

The BEST thing this film does that the Swedish version butchered, is properly build and legitimately establish the friendship and bond between the journalist and Salander. Their chemistry they have is fantastic, and the two characters feed off each other effortlessly. As a result, this movie is essentially about 2 entirely different things that just to happen to tie into each other. On one hand you have the investigation into the murder, and on the other you have Salander's evolution as a character. Lisbeth Salander is the real star of the show. She's a fantastic character. A self reliant, ice cold emotionless creature, who appears almost zombie like at first. We witness as she endures one truly horrific event, which I wont spoil, and then the brilliant and cheer worthy way in which she retaliates. Once she meets the journalist, we see as her standard icy demeanor is slowly chipped away, showing that beneath it all is an actual vulnerable person who has real feelings and real emotions. One complaint that I can see lodged at this movie, is that the movie goes on well after the crime aspect is resolved. But to dismiss these scenes would be folly. They resolve Salander's story, which is just as vital to the movie and it's where the movie gets it's heart and soul. It elevates it above being a standard fair crime/mystery film into something more personal, and the film's melancholy ending is simply pitch perfect. Exactly as it was in the book.

 

As Salander, actress Rooney Mara(she who dumped Mark Zuckerberg at the beginning of The Social Network) is perfect. She expresses herself with only cold stares and body movements, and her dead end stares can send daggers in your direction. She is the embodiment of the character as described in the book. Then when the character finally starts to show some humanity, she again captures it beautifully. It's an excellent performance, one that should please the books fans.

 

As far as an adaptation goes, it's impossible to imagine this being better. There are only a few slight changes, nothing truly major. Mostly just to move the story along a bit faster. But they do manage to stuff in as much of the investigation of the mystery as possible. This is no surprise since director David Fincher loves that kind of stuff. He's a director in which the smallest of details mean just as much as the actual story. He actually manages to add a few nifty, yet demented flourishes throughout.(just wait til you see where he decides to place the song Orinoco Flow by Enya. I'll never think of that song the same again.) And the subject matter of the book was right up his alley. This is now yet another masterpiece of a film that can be attributed to him. It's excellent on every level. including the soundtrack by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, That soundtrack, which I think is easily better than the one they did for Social Network, manages to be haunting and foreboding and yet serene all at once. There are some seens which come off more intense than they normally would be just with the sounds Reznor and Ross apply to it. They deserve another Oscar for it.

 

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is a fascinating film. It's morbid, haunting, gleefully dark and bitter sweet all at once. It rises above standard fair crime story by focusing just as much on the relationship between two complex characters, and going full through with their emotional arc as well as resolving the story at hand. A near perfect adaptation of the book, David Fincher has nailed this one better than anybody else ever could. It's the best movie I've seen in 2011.

 

A+

Movie review: Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

 

I would be hard pressed to say Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows is better than part 1. This may be one of the rare instances where I can't pick one over the other. Both have strengths the other doesn't. Part 1 for instance, has a better over all mystery, and is actually a lot more humorous. Part 2 however, features far better action sequences and a decidedly better villain. That of course, being the great James Moriarty. Holmes' deadliest nemesis. I'd say the cat and mouse game Moriarty and Holmes play against each other is the key reason to see this film.  Moriarty is the intellectual equivalent to Holmes, except he has none of the moral fissures which keep Holmes in check. This makes him not only extraordinarily intelligent, but deadly as well. He's played brilliantly by Jared Harris (from Mad Men and Fringe). Harris at no point goes over the top with the character, and manages to give him an aura of grace and class mixed in with pure sadism. He's the perfect foe for Robert Downey Jr.'s manic Sherlock Holmes. Jude Law is also excellent as the rational Dr. Watson, the anchor that keeps Holmes from ruining himself too much.

 

As stated, the action sequences in this one far outweigh the ones seen in the first one. They are filmed with a sense of true danger and a focused hyper activity that someone like Michael Bay could NEVER get right. One particular sequence set in a  forest is particularly intense. The film does as sequels usually tend to do, make everything bigger, faster, and add more explosions than are often necessary. But in this case, it doesn't feel like an exhaustion. The best scenes are when Holmes and Moriarty are face to face, trying to figure out who has just outwitted who and how. Also, the film's finale goes to a completely unexpected place, though if you are familiar with the original books, you'll recognize immediately what is going to happen and how it's going to end. It was a nice surprise, one I didn't expect the film makers to attempt.

 

So while the action is bigger and better, and the villain top notch, the film's darker tone can almost seem out of place given the comradery you associate with these films and with Downey Jr.'s take on the character.  As a result, the tone of the film sometimes seems off balance. But that's a minor gripe, and it certainly doesn't become enough of an issue to ruin anything. So if you liked the first one, you are sure to like this one. And if you didn't like the first one, you probably WILL like this one more. The faster pace and grander action sequences will keep you entertained. 

 

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows is a perfectly serviceable sequel. Doesn't change the world or warrant any wards, but as mindless, fun entertainment, you can hardly do better than this one of the first one. Recommended.

 

Grade: (A-)

Trailer Park: Battleship!

You know what's worse than a shitty, unwatchable Michael Bay directed Transformers movie? A clone of it. Behold BATTLESHIP!

Whats this WHATS THIS???I mean GAH goddammit aaahhhhhhhhh................

THIS is why movies are FLOPPING! Look at that! It looks like someone just ejaculated onto a computer screen and turned it into CGI, packaged it put the name BATTLESHIP on it cause YAY a boardgame, and there's your movie.

What exactly is the point anymore of movies like this? I get more out of video games! And with better stories even. I was thinking for a bit this year that maybe I was just becoming old and cynical. But no!! The only movies I did end up liking this year would be dscribed as rubbish by true cynics! Things like X-Men : First Class and Captain America and Rise of the Planet of the Apes! I loved those! THEY HAD SOUL AND STORY!!!!! Mass piles of unwatchable shit like Transformers 3: Dark Side of Michael Bay's Asshole, did not. They were noise, surrounded with enough computer generated masurbation so that any mindless dork wouldn't notice they were being raped for 2 and a half hours. Thats what this dung heap looks to me. Ugh! Dare I say, for every movie coming out in 2012 that I am itching to see, there be 70 that make me run away in terror. This one here is right near the top of that list! This thing was sunk before it even began.

Long overdue

I haven't updated this in some time. Hasn't been for lack of anything to write about. I've just been distracted by shit. Some of it my own mental apathy. Other's include life itself. And some of it was reading through the first three books of the Songs of Ice and Fire series, which is what the Game of Thrones show is based on. Those took up a lot of times since each one averages about a thousand pages. I'm all Songs of Ice and Fired out for the moment though, and am rushing through Girl With the Dragon Tattoo before it hits theaters. Just aren't enough hours in the day for all things. I haven't even finished Batman Arkham Asylum nor started Uncharted 3. I intend to take care of both of those during the Christmas break. And also, hopefully, post more here. I do intend to keep a steady flow of postings throughout the next year. I just gotta keep in mind, whenever I feel a rant coming on, I'll make sure to run to this here blog and plant it down. Why should rage be self contained! But for now, let's get the moth balls off this blog by posting a weekend box office update!

Fuck it. Nah fuck it. Here's what you need to know about the box office as of late. Everything, EVERYTHING that has come out since Rise of the Planet of the Apes has either bombed, disappointed, or barely broken even. The sole exception was Twilight. But just about everything else has been a mess. Reason is simple. Studio's aren't releasing anything anybody gives enough of a shit about seeing. Especially in this economy. Especially in this age of netflix and pirating. Why waste the time and money? The biggest concern for Hollywood is that their core, always reliable audience(young males) are no longer flocking to the movies. Mainly due to the fact that they have plenty of OTHER shit to do. Like video games which have grown this year. So don't expect much noise from the box office for a long while. You can only serve shit enough times before people finally taste it.

And speaking of shit, it's fun to see the Republican party has continued to grow more deeply insane over the last few months. The debates have become side shows, and Obama looks almost like a lock for re-election mainly due to the fact that the republicans have gone batshit and aren't even hiding the fact anymore. I mean when one of your leading candidates is a sexually harassing pizza guy, you have fucking problems. But this is a post for another day. When I have enough energy to run it down. For now, just know, the blog is back. I'll try to keep it up to date a bit better than I have, and let's see where the future takes us!

Also gotta start compiling my best of 2011 lists. Those should be fun.

Atrocity movie review: Hanna

Two fucking weeks in a  row of this shit?? FUCK!!!




I'm not even putting the movie poster. THIS picture is a better representation of this thing.


I cant even FATHOM where to start with this one. There.....I.......


I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!!!!!!! GOD!!!!!!!!!

This makes Transformers 3 look like Saving Private Ryan.


Sigh. Alright. So Hanna is about.......FUCK!!!!


Alright so Hanna is about a father and daughter who have been living deep int he woods somewhere. The dad, a former CIA agent, has spent all these years training Hanna how to be a killer about educating her and this and that. All in preparation for the day when she would have to confront the real world and deal with the mysteries of her past. Yeah sounds decent enough. Now imagine every possible way to make that scenario FAIL and you have the movie Hanna. The MAIN issue with this movie, is the fact that it's filmed in Euro style hyper activity, with brain dead American writing. The combination forms a total disaster of a movie. You have oddball characters with nutty little quirks, you get super speed editing set to the tones of techno music, and plot twists as dumber than you can imagine which you can spot coming a mile away, and lets not even mention the endless amounts of plot holes. But the movie tries to compensate for all this by being VAGUE about every single little detail you can possible imagine. Throw in a typical hint of lesbian love interest and you have yourself the perfect mish mash of the worst kinds of styles form both sides of the pond.

Then of course is the problem that nothing in the movie even matters! No plot point lingers long enough to have meaning, no sequence has any lasting significance on the next, no character means shit, NOTHING AT ALL MATTERS! You could erase EVERYTHING and EVERYONE from this movie except for about 5 characters and it wouldn't make a difference. BUT all the characters act vague and weird, so HOPEFULLY, you don't notice that nothing they do makes any sense and half of them don't mean shit!

The movie is also BORING as sin. I kept closing my eyes and nearly drifting off to sleep. This is supposed to be fast paced action movie? THERE IS BARELY ANY ACTION IN IT!!! Hell a whole hour of the film is dedicated to Hanna hanging out with a family made up of plot contrivances. They aren't real people mind you, no part of any of them is believable. But they are walking in your face metaphors that let you know Hanna is experiencing the world! In her own freakish, vague way. And even THAT makes it sound better than it actually is.

The best part of it all is the fact the movie becomes more absurd and unwatchable as it goes along. By the time it reaches it's final half hour, it becomes SO over stylized, and the plot SO redundant, I wanted to shoot myself in the face. I couldn't even believe I was sitting through his heap of horse shit. And the final 5 minutes of the movie, I just started laughing! LAUGHING!!!! Because at that point, they start throwing out the SYMBOLISM at you! It's like LOOK! REMEMBER THIS DEER SHE WAS HUNTING FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE? WHERE HERE IS ANOTHER DEER IN THIS DARK TUNNEL!!! AREN'T WE FUCKING CLEVER!!!

Christ. Movies this bad insult my humanity. Hanna, a cinematic equivalent to a dirty dishwasher, its a fucking mess. A disaster of a film that doesn't even manage to be entertaining with its awfulness. It's just bland, boring, dull, redundant and fucking annoying. It's the worst goddamn thing I have seen this year by far.

Christ. Transformers 3 and now this shit. I don't even think I want to see anymore new movies this year. This is hideous. Though maybe I'll check out that Fast Five thing. I hated part 1, never saw any of the others, but Fast Five got surprisingly good reviews from the stuffy, elitist critics who usually hate those kinds of movies(they liked Hanna because it was stylized eurotrash). But hell it's at least got The Rock and Vin Diesel fighting each other, so it at least KNOWS what the audience wants. I think I will check it out. Cant possibly be any worse than this pile of puke right? Right??

Grade: F

Unfortunate Movie Review: Transformers - Dark of the Moon

Fuck you.

There's a moment in Transformers Dark of the Moon, somewhere in the last cluster fuck hour, where the Meagan Fox replacement wanders overs to a sullen and depressed Megatron, and has a heart to heart conversation with him. In effect she chastises him for being a bitch to Sentinel Prime, who seven hours earlier in the film revealed himself to be the true villain, and essentially convinces Megatron that he should go kick his ass or something. I would like to ask every single dork who praised this movie to bits WHY exactly they neglected to inform me of this particular embarrassing moment in cinematic trash? Because to say it made my eyes roll into the back of my head is an understatement. I pretty much did this:

I point out this moment in the film because the absurdity contained within this brief moment is summary to all that is wrong with Transformers Dark Side of the Moon. It is a near 3 hour mess of a film. And only one of those hours comes even close to being watchable, but not quite. That leaves a whole 2 hours worth of SHIT. Some of the annoying factors of the completely unwatchable second Transformers movie have been erased. The two nigger bots for instance are gone. Though they are replaced by two midget bots. Luckily they aren't in the movie all that much. And the lead character's parent's are greatly reduced, but still show up, and still manage to ruin every moment they are in. You would think eliminating these annoyances would improve the film. But leave it to Michael Bay and his....sense of humor....to find NEW ways to replace them! See what we get is EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER in the film for 2 hours acting like a complete oddball and lunatic. I assume this was meant to be funny? You have John Malkovich showing up for some reason($$$) as Sam Whitwhateverthisidiotcharactersnameisinthemovie new boss. And he is uselessly odd and weird and USELESS given that he eventually VANISHES from the screen, as if he were never there to begin with. The Chinese idiot from The Hangover also briefly appears in the movie, just enough to act horrendous, as does Alan Tudyk, who plays Wash from Firefly and is forced to have a terrible accent of unknown origins because people with accents are funny! Ha ha ha. John Turturro also shows up again, but seeing as he's the ONLY oddball character who was ever amusing in this franchise, he manages to steal every scene he's in. His character's confrontation with Bill O' Reilly(playing himself and being far more ugly and evil than any decepticon in the film) is one of the only times I actually chuckled at the supposed comedy contained here in. What is funny is the fact that ALL oddball characters and irritating things essentially go away in the films last hour, making them all completely pointless and the films run time needlessly long. I could shave a good hour off this thing and you wouldn't miss a single bit of it.

The film has a plot somewhere in here. Apparently the moon landing was staged so astronauts could go to the moon and check out a fallen alien spacecraft. That craft contained Sentinel Prime who was headed our way for unknown reasons(which I've partly spoiled in the first paragraph. Oops.). This is kept secret from most people, until it isn't, and the autobots head off to bring Prime's corpse down to earth to revive him, which only Optimus can do. Shrugs. There's also some business about Megatron and other decepticons trying to build a transport so they can bring to earth other decepticons and bunch of other shit to take over our world. Oh and there's also a plot line which involves human conspirators who have been working all this time with the decepticons in order to help them take over our world. None of this makes much sense, especially since the FIRST film actually exists and contradicts just about everything in this one :D  But hey lets not let a thing called continuity fuck with a franchise, dammit!

Transformers: The Wall isn't a total bust. There's I guess a small handful of things in it worth looking at the screen for? Um.....well some of the action is nice! Apparently Michael Bay had to actually slow down his shots and have them last longer in order to get them to work in 3D. The result is you can SEE what is going on! The robots all still look identical to each other so I had no clue who was getting killed unless Optimus or Bumblebee were doing the killing. They do most of the killing as it is so I suppose this wasn't too much of an issue. The whole last hour of the film is passably watchable since all annoying things are gone and it's mostly just action. But you just have to MAKE IT there to reap the benefits, and they really just aren't worth it. Or none at all come to think of it. Forget this paragraph.

Fact is, there is SO much wrong in Transformers: The Division Bell I can barely list them all. First off is the fact I didn't give a single SHIT about ANY human character on screen. Shai Lebouf makes for an irritating lead character. The fuck happened to this guy? When the first Transformers movie came out, he had a likable everyman charm about him. But in this one he comes off like an egotistical prick you just want to slap around some. I guess having Steven Spielberg shove him into a shitty Indiana Jones movie gave him a confidence boost. Sadly, it doesn't come off well on screen. Then there's also the nonsensical image of him dating the Meagan Fox replacement. On no planet, real or fiction, would  a girl THAT hot date a guy who looks like THAT. Simply doesn't exist. But the geeks who infest theaters to watch this NEED their fucking eye candy dammit and so there she is. Suffice to say the FIRST shot you see of her is of her ASS of course. The geek be appeased!



She made our twinkies move in our pants!

 So you have a convoluted plot which serves no purpose, annoying characters from top to bottom, and then the real kicker, the complete LACK of autobots! This franchise is now three films in and all tied together, with nearly 6 or 7 hours of fucking screen time, the autobots make up about 30 minutes of it. In fact I think they appear the least in this film. Shit they don't even DO anything. You may as well call this movie HUMANS cause that's what you get PLENTY of. The movie NEVER leaves the sides of the human beings. But nobody wants to see any of these assholes they want to see robots doing shit and there just isn't enough of that. Whenever the autobots DO show up, it's only AFTER the humans have already pretty much succeeded in killing or maiming the shit out of most of the decepticons. Oh and don't think they get much screen time either. Aside from the fact they all look the same, you only ever get one appear at random so he can kill a few human and then have few more humans kill him. The robots should have been front and center here not Shai Lebouf and his Meagan Fox replacement.



I get to call Megatron a bitch :D

 A lot of geeks pulled out fully erect 3 inch penises at me in regards to Transformers: Wish You Were Here. I have half a mind to castrate them all. But I've lost my tweezers so fuck it. The SPECTACLE of the film they claimed. The IMPACT of the films last hour. Well guess what, IT AIN"T ALL THAT MUCH! The action goes on for so long I actually managed to get BORED. The explosions just begin to fade into each other and I lost track of what was going on, or just didn't give a shit. An action scene to me is pointless unless I give a HINT of a shit about anybody I'm watching on screen. And this movie doesn't lead you to care for anybody or anything. It's just a gleeful amount of wanton destruction left and right with a bunch of faceless people and robots getting whacked for whatever purposes. There is something to be said about less is more and DAMN if this movie doesn't prove that one. The action doesn't even feel fresh! I've seen ALL of this before! IN OTHER MICHAEL FUCKING BAY MOVIES! What was new? What was so AMAZING as to erect normally dormant penis? "Oh you had to see it in a theater!' No I DON'T have to see it in a theater, because If a movie is ONLY good in a theater then it SUCKS. "Oh well, not every movie can be an Oscar winner or the English Patient" The English Patient. Really. So you go to THAT extreme eh? Guess what? THAT movie sucked donkey balls too :) I don't want Oscar caliber quality material. Hell I'd say most movies I like fall WAY short of that. What I do want is a SENSIBLE movie with characters worth giving just a LITTLE bit of a shit about so that when I am forced to sit through 90 minutes of bullshit "comedy" and one FULL hour of explosions and catastrophe, I am not given a sudden urge to do my fucking laundry or clip my fucking toe nails. THIS movie right here is exactly why I barely step foot in a theater these days. It's all BULLSHIT for the extremely easily amused. There is NOTHING here riveting or compelling. But the fact that it wasn't anywhere near as bad as the second one is considered GOOD ENOUGH these days. Well not for me. I still demand more. And often times enough I am given that more(X-Men: First Class) without having my head explode. So FUCK YOU and your lame ass bullshit as to why THIS steaming pile of shit was good. It wasn't and every dork who praised it like the virgin mother's breast milk can fuck the fuck off.

So, to summarize, Transformers: Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds really isn't much of a movie. It's a collection of left over Michael Bay material from the previous two films strung together in a vain hope that audiences are still dumb enough to buy it(they are). The film's first 10 hours are a barrage of toilet humor populated by stupid characters who all vanish just in time for the films final 17 hours of non stop explosions death chaos mayhem OH MY FUCKING GOD MY DICK MOVED heroics. Been there, seen that, don't care. Die. It's NOT as bad as part 2, but that really isn't a compliment. It's still a shitty movie, and it's become painfully obvious the Transformers shtick was never worth more than ONE movie. So, if you really want to experience a Dark of the Moon, might I suggest you go with the proper one:

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go piece together what's left of my brain after having lost most of it due to this shit and the geek justification for it being "good". Think I just found my Hypothalamus!

Grade: D

Weekend Box Office Report! Lion King.....wait what? Again?

People must REALLY be in desperate need for something to watch that isn't total ass, since a movie that's been available to purchase for well over 10 years is number 1 at the box office AGAIN! Lion King 3D came in with $22 million for this weekend! Did just as well this week as it did last. That's pretty insane. I doubt even Disney expected that. Looks like this may be the only movie put out this year that doesn't suffer because of the 3D stamp on. Go figure. Fucking Lion King.

In number 2 was a movie that's actually gotten REALLY good reviews, Moneyball, starring Brad Pitt. It made $20 million for the weekend, proving Brad Pitt is still extremely relevant and well liked. Should give the studios making World War Z a sigh of relief. Though I still don't understand why they are releasing that in December next year so close to The Hobbit. That's just suicidal.  But anyway, good for this movie. Nice to see something that looks to be of quality get some attention. Pitt may also be in the race for a best actor Oscar come nomination time for this movie, so expect to hear about it for a while longer. I'll check it out when it hits netflix, er, Nestle Qwikster.

Number 3 went to Dolphin Tale! Made also about $20 million. The studio actually expected more. They are wondering if Morgan Freeman is to blame for this not picking up more cash. Freeman you see went on CNN and CORRECTLY called the Tea Party a bunch of dumb fuck racists in not so many words. So the studio thinks this may have alienated some people away from the film. Uh huh. OK, none of those tea part cock suckers were EVER going to see a movie about a dolphin and the reason this bombed is because IT"S A MOVIE ABOUT A FUCKING FISH! And in THREEEE DEEEEEE no less. So EXTRA charge to see a movie about a dolphin that cant swim. Thanks, but fuck you. THIS again is why Hollywood is in ruins. It's run by brain dead assholes who refuse to take blame for their own shitty products. Fucking fish movie.

"A dolphin isn't a fish, it's a mamm..." SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Number 4 was Abduction with a miserable $11 million. This movie is important because it was the first test to see whether Taylor Lautner, who plays the shirtless werewolf boy in those hideous sparkling vampire movies, could open a movie with him as a star that doesn't have the words Twilight in it. The answer is no, fuck you. NEXT!

Number 5 is Killer Elite, which stars Robert De Niro, Jason Statham, and Clive Owen. I honestly had no idea this movie was coming out this week, and neither did anybody else since it made only $9 million. Less than that stupid werewolf kid. That's sad. How did they NOT market this film with that cast? Ridiculous. Again why Hollywood is sunk.

I don't even know what the fuck is coming out next week, so we'll probably have Lion Kind 3D number 1 again just out of sheer desperation. Christ do movies SUCK now. Ugh! By the way, that new Transformers movie is coming out to rent soon! I haven't seen it yet. Refused to watch it in theaters since part 2 made most of my brain explode due to its stupidity, and I had to piece it together bit by bit. I haven't been right ever since. But a number of geeks pulled out fully erect penises at me and proclaimed this to be the movie of the summer. So now I'll get to see it for myself. And if it isn't good, hell to pay :)

Ta ta for now!

F*ck you America! Volume 1: Krispy Kreme Donuts

Welcome to my newest column, F*ck You America! Where i take a shot at our beloved nation with it's near zombie like populace and point out an injustice we the smart must suffer due to the complete lack of restraint, intelligence, and brain power displayed by the vast majority of our fellow fucking countrymen! Let us begin:

 

 

You know what I miss? Krispy Kreme Donut Shops! Remember those?

 

 

 

A few years ago, Krispy Kreme were all the rage! Freshly made donuts hot off the oven dipped in obscene amounts of frosting that felt like you were eating the penis of God in your mouth. They tasted better than sex! Well no they didn't but they were some damn good donuts! And for a while America embraced this deliciousness and Krispy Kreme shops opened EVERYWHERE! They were approaching Starbucks levels of availability. If you wanted a donut from the trenches of Heaven, you need only walk 10 feet and bump into a Krispy Kreme. It was great! The gluttony was so vile, so horrid, so scrumptious! It seemed as if we would always have delicious donuts available to our beck and call for all times...

 

But then it all came tumbling down and rolling us over in a heap of lard. The news media satrted to pick up on the fast growing amount of Krispy Kreme donut shops, and did something the media very RARELY ever does. They SHAMED us! They SHAMED this country! Our glutton thrown in our faces! Images of bulbous guts sticking out from under 4XL shirts dominated news footage! Then we as a nation were embarrassed and ashamed of ourselves as the sight of 400 pound fat assholes trampling over grandmothers to be the first to taste a warm donut from the newly opened krispy kreme shop just opened spilled all over the news. As a result, the entire country decided that it would go on a diet! And for a brief, wholesome period, we as Americans all went on a diet! Forsaking donuts, McDonalds, ice cream and everything else that contributed to our corpulence.  The news media was proud of us! We were patted on the head for deciding not to have heart attacks by 35. Everything was happy!

 

But as usual with diets, it only lasted about 15 minutes before we decide its too hard and food too good to keep at it, and America did what it does best and just said "fuck it", grabbed a beer, took off it's shoes and turned on the game. Sadly, by the time this happened, the damage to Krispy Kreme was done. The stocks fell deeper than the earth's crust, and all those newly opened stores where many a grandmother was crushed by the sandals of 500 pound 50 year olds in a desperate need of a sugary fix, all closed down, never to be opened again. And we as Americans were too busy catching our breaths from the 10 minute power walk on the treadmill to notice them all gone. Thus endeth Krispy Kreme.

 

So we now live in a country where everyone is still not only fat but getting FATTER by the day, but with no Krispy Kreme shops at all! If you want a freshly made donut, you have to brave a Dunkin Donuts. Problem with that is the fact there's only about 4 good Dunkin Donuts across the country. The rest are populated with pimple faced teenage virgins and fresh off the boat immigrants, and never seem to have ANYTHING there. You might get lucky and come across a glazed donut. Or if chance favors you on a specific day you might actually find a vanilla frosted one! But it's not likely. So thanks America, and fuck you! For being  a nation of morbidly obese, sexless assholes who decided they would diet just long enough to kill off the best tasting donuts a person could find this side of the Atlantic. If you're going to be a nation of fatso's at least have the decency to keep the donut shops open for those few of us who know how to show a bit of restraint and enjoy a sweet treat every once in a while and not on a 24/7 sugar binge! Assholes.

Trailer Park: J. Edgar

Here's the trailer for J. Edgar. Based on the life of FBI founder and cross dresser extraordinaire, J. Edgar Hoover. Staring Leonardo DiCaprio and directed by Clint Eastwood.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=vD99zwj-ZUg#!

This is one of the few movies coming out this year that I'll actually hover into a movie theater to see. What I like about it is the fact that it doesn't seem to be shying away from the bullshit that Hoover pulled in his life as well as all the good. For all his ambition he was also a very bitter, paranoid man, and loved to invade the privacy of others and blackmail them with the shit he found. Reason being was the heavily rumored and by all accounts most likely tidbit that he was a closeted gay man, who also had a habbit of cross dressing. His supposed lover was his number 2 man, who never left his side. You can spot him in the trailer. So I'm glad to see the film actually go there and not just ignore it, as well as the fact that Hoover by and large was a total fucking asshole. DiCaprio will likely be excellent, and Eastwood's direction is always very reliable. So count me in! Movie comes out November 9.

Weekend box office report! Really? The Lion King? Huh.

Wow! Everything new is old again. As it to prove just how shitty movie going is right now, a film more than 10 years old has managed to come out at number 1 this weekend.

 

The Lion King 3D came out at number 1 this week with nearly $30 million dollars! That's better than anything else has done for the past month! And everyone and their mother and unborn children have seen this fucking movie already! Twice! But never the less, audiences flocked to it this weekend. I don't know why, but there they were. This will only be the beginning of a new trend of course. Old hits being re-released in 3D cock in order to cash in. The Penis of George Lucas has already announced it plans to release all Star Wars films in 3D starting next year. But since the Penis of George Lucas is spiteful, it has decided to go in order and release everyone's favorite, The Phantom Menace first! Cause Jar Jar in 3D, that's going to be AWESOME! Meesa be more obnoxious in da turd dimensionon!

 

In number 2 was the killer disease movie Contagion with $14 million.The way things are headed around the country these days, a killer disease doesn't sound too shabby.

 

Number 3 is Drive, which does look pretty interesting. Enough for me to add it to my netflix queue, but that's about it. That's my rate of high praise these days. It made $11 million so it'll be arriving in my mailbox soon enough me thinks.

 

Number 4 is The Help which is just wont go away. It made $6 million for this week, but at this rate has more money than it could possibly need, and more than any black person who watched it will ever have.

 

Number 5 is Strawdogs, a remake of a suspense movie of some type. It made $5 million. The original had Dustin Hoffman. This one does not. :shrugs:\

 

The only other major release for this weekend was something called "I Dont Know How She Does It!" Apparently no one else knows either and she didn't manage to do jack shit, only making $4 million for the weekend.

 

So there you have it. Lion King 3D. Shit. The Lords of the Rings films are also planned out for 3D, as well as James Cameron's Cock/Titanic. Of all those, I'd only consider seeing Lord of the Rings. Those movies have actually managed to hold up extremely well over the years, and damned be I, actually come off BETTER today than they did when they were originally released. You can see how pretty much every fantasy type thing to come along since then tries as best it can to be a Lord of the Rings type of style. Game of Thrones is the only one that's gotten close.

 

That's it for now! Until next time kiddo's!

Weekend box office(or lack thereof) report!

Yeah I'm a day late and a dollar short so sue me. Here's what's up this weekend:

 

At number one is a new release, Contagion. About a killer virus that spreads and and kills people! Outbreak part 2 I guess. It made $23 million for the weekend which ends up being the only highlight.

 

Number 2 was The Help. Again. People are now watching this out of sheer boredom. It made $8 million.

 

At three was Warrior, the latest version of Rudy, this time set in the word of UFC. Or some shit like that. Whatever. It made a wimpy $5 million.

 

At 4 was The Debt, a movie where old people kill retired Nazi's. It made just over $4 million

 

And finally rounding out the top 5 is Hot Chick Kills People. Otherwise called Colombiana. It made $4 million for this weekend.

 

There were two other wide releases this weekend. Something called Creature and something from Adam Sandler's production company called Bucky Larson: Born to be a Porn Star. Both flopped like fish out of water. Neither even made the top 10. Bucky Larson made just over 1 million, and Creature couldn't even do that. It made half a million. It'll probably out on DVD tomorrow and hidden away so whoever released it could pretend it never happened.

 

That's all for this week! I'm off now to ponder the point of my fucking existence. Until next time!

Weekend box office(or lack thereof) report!

This report is for the 4 day labor day weekend! Isn't that exciting? No? Fuck off then! Curiously enough, fuck off is what movie goers said to Hollywood this weekend, as only 1 film managed to make over $10 million dollars. And that would be...

...This weeks number 1 spot of course, "The Help" once again clinging to the top spot with $14 million. That would normally seem like a weak showing, but these days it looks like gold.

Number 2 movie was something called The Debt.with $9 million. It has something to do with people hunting down retired Nazi's. The jews who own Hollywood need their fix too!
 I hear Mel Gibson didn't like it.

Numero tres is Apollo 18 with $8 million. It's one of those hand held scary movies where absolutely NOTHING happens for 90 minutes other than characters yelling at each other that they think they saw something, only for all hell to break loose for 5 seconds at the very end of the film before something inevitably breaks or eats the camera recording it all. I hear Tom Hanks makes a cameo in this movie as the creature tormenting the astronauts and breaking/eating said camera, but the only way to confirm this is to see the movie which I wont do so lets just pretend it's Tom Hanks and leave it at that OK? Good. Moving on...

Number 4 is Shark Night 3D with another $8 million, and the final nail in the coffin of Hollywood shoving 3D onto every movie possible. I have no idea what this movie is about, but for some reason, I get the striking feeling it might have something to do with manatees! Or Tom hanks.

And number 5, making me type this massive title once again just to spite my existence, is Rise of the Planet of the Apes. It made $7 million.

So yeah, VERY weak showing this weekend. At this point, I'm only posting these reports just so I can laugh and mock Hollywood for turning out lame shit at the theaters. And making it all in fucking 3D. Assholes. OK so I think i may have developed carpal tunnel after having typed out the Apes title again so I'm gonna cut this off right here. Until next time!

Champion the delusional

Know what you'll never see on this blog? A personal note. A look into the solace of my life. A detailed saga describing who am I, how I came to be, why I am the man I am today. A fucking origin story. I do not intend to ever post an entry full of grandiose high importance that makes me out to be the most fascinating person in the cosmos. I will not sit here and try to formulate a life lesson to form a desired Hollywood esque outcome because I fully expect it to happen cause hey life works out always and God is there nodding for me to succeed. Life RARELY happens the way you want it to without your direct involvement and God is not there whispering sweet nothings in your fucking ear because all your idea of God is is what mommy and daddy spoon fed to you when you were a child and you are too guilt tripped and frightened to question otherwise for fear of being lonely and self reliant. Amusing how we can all claim to talk to "God" and people just smile and nod. Yet if i sat here and claimed that I talked to Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, I would be locked up in a loony bin and rightfully so! Don't worry I don't actually speak to Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart ::be silent Salieri, I'm typing!:: "But what makes you tick?" My ass. kiss it. "But surely you can tell us how your life blah blah blah" Fuck you and die. If it's ONE trend I am actually quite tired of seeing, it's championing the delusional. Taking high risk fantasy filled to the brim with epic fail, and pretending it's some sort of good idea. We then make reality shows of this and watch as it all falls apart. Or have people hope to make reality shows of this by posting away talking to....someone. Wanna know why I'll never post personal struggle here(and I do have PLENTY)? Because I don't give a fuck for the world to know. Nope. Don't give a fuck. The fucks are not given. Not cared for, are the fucks. I have no interest in pity parties or inspiring Jack and his neighbor Shit. I'm going to post BULLSHIT! And guess what, my BULLSHIT is a hell of a lot more interesting than sage warnings coming from people with self inflicted personal struggles born out of delusion and strife all in the vain attempt to have a Disney logo appear at the end of their road. Want to impress me? Take life, squirt a fuck into it's ass and claim your own self made victory. I know plenty of people who have done exactly this and goddamn if I don't admire the shit out of them. So enough with championing delusions. Me and Salieri are going to have FUN here. Want something different? The fucks are flying south for the winter. By all means go and try to catch one. I will let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

This has been a word from our sponsor kiss my ass in hell.

The Penis of George Lucas

I was going to buy the Star Wars blu-ray set. All six movies in high definition. I was going to buy it. I wanted to buy it. I was looking foward to it.

But I'm afraid that time has come and gone my friends. For, as you will see, George Lucas has ONCE AGAIN pulled out his penis, stroked himself, and squirted him mangoo all over the films. Yes, that's right, he's ALTERED the fucking movies ONCE AGAIN. And this time he didn't just stop as background material. You know, adding an extra bantha in the background taking a shit on a Jawa or something No, this time he decided to go ahead and alter the main action going on front and center. And not much of it is good. In fact most of it is so poor, so illogical, so unecessary, he has managed to RUIN the fucking films. He saw that line, and his penis said NO MORE! and by god, it crossed it! So here in order from least offensive to FUCK YOU ASSHOLE, are the changes made to the Star Wars films on this blu-ray set.

First we have CGI yoda in episode 1.

Fine. No problem with this at all. It actually looks better than the puppet they were still using when they made this movie. This is an improvement. Next

The Ewoks in Return of the Jedi have now been given CGI eyeballs and eyelids:

I actually like this one! The eyes came out good, and it gives just an added hint of personality to the Ewoks. He should have done this one a long time ago. Sadly, this is where the fun ends, and the PAIN begins.

For instance, remember that quick moment in Episode 4 when Obi Wan saves Luke and the droids by scaring off the retarded Sand People? Here's that moment in its original form in case you forgot:

Okay. That's fine. Nothing major. Small moment that serves its purpose. Obi Wan makes the noise of a creature and the Sand People scatter like assholes. Yet for some unfathomable reason, THIS just didn't sit right with good ol' Uncle George! So he changed it. And in doing so, has given the blu-ray editions of Star Wars, the following moment:

What the fuck was that???? LMAO!!!!! WHY DID HE CHANGE THIS???? AND HE MADE IT WORSE!!! It sounds like Carrot Top having a orgasm! What the f...Is this man SERIOUS??? IS THIS A JOKE???? Why would you even NEED to change that? It's so POINTLESS! And then to make it sound like THAT? Fuck me senseless! WHY???? I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND!!!! GAH!!! :facepalm: This has to be a joke right? I mean he can't possibly be putting out these fucking movie's with this shit included can he? He took the roar of a beast and turned it into the sound of a peacock taking a shit. He HAS to be trolling people.

The next change is one he ALWAYS feels the need to tinker with, Jabba the Hut's Palace. Here are two changes in one clip. First off, you'll see there seems to be another 10 million people added within Jabba's little room there, the most obvious of which is Sebulba, the alien creature pod racer from Episode 1. George Lucas once again shoving those fucking prequels down everyone's eye socket at every given turn. But then you'll see the REAL kicker:

Uh...anybody notice how MASSIVE the door to Jabba's palace has become all of a sudden? Yes, Lucas decided to add in a CGI door, or actually, take the door that was already there, and CGI it to make it 4 times bigger! The result is just odd and terrible. The door looks like a cartoon. As if we're watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit. The camera shot has been altered so we can MAKE SURE to see this new fully CGI cartoon door as the droids approach it. It makes them look out of place against the backdrop of this giant cock door. Again, I must ask....WHYYYYYYYYYYY was this done? How miserable is George Lucas that he looked at the FUCKING door of Jabba the Hut's palace, pulled out his penis to consult with it and have the penis decide "DOOR TOO SMALL! NEED BIGGER DOOR FOR PENIS!"I mean, WHO was nitching about the door? ITS A DOOR!!! The worst part is, there is at one point an interior shot of the palace in which you see the door opening. THAT hasn't been changed! So in that shot, the size of the door outside, does NOT match the size of the door when viewed from the interior. So he's basically CREATED a continuity error in his own fucking film! I mean....I cant think of ANY logical reason for this one. What did he think he needed to explain just how they were able to fit the fucking Rankor in the palace? Oh gee! Thank you Uncle George for answering a question not a single person has given enough of a shit about to ask in over 30 fucking years! Glad you took the time to damage your own film for something NOBODY other than your dick gave a heep long fuck about! You flagrant asshole! :grinds teeth:

And now......I was looking foward to these blu0rays......comes THE change that officially confirms Lucas no longer uses his brain to think. This is where the penis saw the line, crosssed it, and splooged upon the film ruining it beyond repair. The Penis of Lucas decided to botch and destroy one of THE key moments in the entire Star Wars saga. First, some background. I draw your attention to the following clip:

What you have just seen was THE most parodied moment in all of Star Wars. All three prequels lead up to THIS moment. The momen't of Darth Vader's creation. And so naturally the Penis of Lucas decided that the first thing that Darth Vader, one of the most intimidating, classic, memorable characters in fucking film history, should do is walk off a gurney like Frankenstein's monster and yell NOOOOOoooOOOOoooOOOooOOooOooooooOOoo in the worst possible way anyone could ever think to yell NOOOOoooOOOOOoooOOOooOoooooo. It came off so poor, that fans immediately ragged on the scene. It became an instant internet meme. And rightly so! The fact that nobody ever stopped The Penis of George Lucas during the making of this film and said "uh, shouldnt we fix this a bit?" shows the tragedy that happens when once talented people become surrounded by useless "yes" men too afraid to ever stand up and stop thier leader from causing harm onto themselves or thier art. Surely George Lucas knows how poorly received this moment was. It's STILL all over the internet. It's infamous. It's something that should not be referenced to.

But the Penis of George Lucas is easily corrupted.

And that penis, with all it's bitter vile, has taken this moment:

AND HAS DONE THIS TO IT:

And with that, I will no longer purchase the Star Wars blu-ray set. I no longer want it. I no longer care. I no longer have the slightest interest in spending a single dollar on what once was one of my most anticipated blu-ray sets to ever be released. I am done. The Penis of George Lucas has spoken, It has emitted. It has altered. It has ruined. And I don't feel like playing it's games anymore. I mean....there is no viable explanation for this. None. Did Lucas all of a sudden think people didn't know what Vader was thinking at that exact fucking moment? After all thsi time? Did he want to tie the original series more to the prequels by making Vader more of the punk ass bitch he was while Hayden Christensen played him? I mean I look at this, and there is ZERO logic to it. None. I can't come up with a single reason for this. This is Lucas literally flipping the bird to his fanbase. And the worst part of it, ALL the little fanboys bitching and moaning about this, each and every single one of them will line up outside Best Buy on release day, BUY this fucking thing and give Lucas another couple million dollars to wipe his fucking ass with. If you keep encouraging stupid behavior, stupid behavior will continue. But I dont feel like rewarding stupidity so my money is staying in my wallet and going elsewhere. Now both sets of films culminate in Vader yelling NOOOoooOOOOoOOOooo like a simp. I'm done. Can't do it anymore. Star Wars is fucking dead.



The Penis of George Lucas has spoken!

 I leave you with this parting gift. A useful tool for you to use whenever another edition of Star Wars is released, and the penis takes to it altering everything in existance. You can expect that to happen soon too, since the penis decree that the Star Wars films are set to be released in theaters next year in fucking 3D. So you can just go here and properly vent what you really feel. Friends, CLICK HERE AND ENJOY!

Beggars can be choosers will be assholes!

I point your attention to this article here:

http://gizmodo.com/5833787/my-brief-okcupid-affair-with-a-world-champion-magic-the-gathering-player

It's written by some daffy blonde chick who works at the gadget geek website Gizmodo, about her forays into online dating via OKCupid. Apparently, on her date, she managed to end up going out with the world champion of the game Magic: The Gathering. She then proceeds to, as delicately as she can, call him a massive fucking dork and blame his involvement with the game as the top reason why she won't date him again. Oh sure she, out of nowhere of course, tosses in a "moral of the story is" type of thing to says oh dont date people who you dont have things in common with! But before getting there she bashes the guy, bashes his hobby, bashes him for not mentioning on his profile what he does, and seems to hold herself as some kind of superior becuase she doesn't play the fucking game.

This is the point of the story where I throw my rifle into the squad and say: BITCH, EAT A DICK! First off, the guy is a world champion, and actually manages to make a good living on this hobby. She bashes him for playing, for having friends who play it, and for being involved in it at all. WTF??? And this is a bitch who works at fucking GIZMODO! A FUCKING GADGET WEBSITE! GEEKS INFEST THAT WEBSITE! MANY OF WHOM LIKELY PLAY THE COCK SUCKING GAME! So it didn't matter that he was actually successful, and a well dressed decent looking nice guy, oh no! It all went IMMEDIATELY to shit when he said "Magic: The Gathering". And she has the fucking balls to run home to her stupid little website, call the man out by NAME on the fucking internet and trash him and his hobby as uber dorks not worth her fucking time? Great guy, but plays magic? OH NO! THE HORROR! MUST FLEE NOW! The man is intelligent, decent looking, rich even! But magic?? GOD FUCKING FORBID!

I know a lot of people who play Magic: The Gathering. I dont play. I really have no interest in it at all. But imagine tomorrow I up and decided NOPE can't talk to any of these people anymore becuase they play Magic: The Gathering. Or World of Warcraft. Cant identify with those TYPES. Now watch as I smell my own farts. I think i'd rather be shot in the face than walk around with that kind of close minded, arrogant mentality. You know what my geekery of choice is? I collect action figures! Thats right, every Wednesday I run into the local Toys R Us store to see if there's any new delivery of something I'm looking for, if there is I buy it run home open it take pictures and stand the thing up on my shelf or on top of my blu-ray collection or TV or what have you. And should anyone give me a giggle about ir I just happily raise an eyebrow and say "hey I can likely name some bullshit you do which I have no interest in that I can take and shove entirely up your ass if I want to :D But a penis, I am not, so I wont if you wont." We all have our hobbies be it video games, cars, sports, movies, fashion, bondage, pets, orgasms, what have you. Sitting there and letting that SINGULAR thing determine whether a person is worth your shit or not doesn't make you wise, or interesting, or even funny. It just makes you shit filled asshole. So to this slag, who is happily getting torn asunder in the comments section of her very own page(heh!), I will take the pot, and kettle and shove them both directly up her own gizmodo.

Trailer Park: The Hunger Games

Welcome to the latest, er, first edition of trailer park! To be found exclusively on this here bullshit blog of mine. In here I will post and discuss the newest trailers for upcoming films that I may or may not give a shit about. I'll either shower it with praise or heap it with mockery! We start this first ever edition of trailer park with the first teaser trailer for the movie "The Hunger Games", based on book 1 of a three part series. Let's watch!

And by teaser trailer they sure as shit meant fucking TEASER! Christ! Apparently they are still filming the damn movie, so I guess this very brief sample is all they could stitch together. I feel bad for anyone who hasn't read the books or has heard anything about this. They'd watch this and think it's a remake of Robin Hood with a chick in the lead role now instead of an overweight Russell Crowe. I doubt that would have saved the Ridley Scott movie, but not much could have. Other than it having actually been a Robin Hood movie of course which it actually wasn't.....where were we? OH yes, hot chick Robin Hood. So yeah the teaser gives away absolutely nothing, including actual storyline. But that's what I'm here for

The Hunger Games takes place in the distant future long after the fall of the United States. A new fascist government is in power now controlling 12 districts. Each district supplies a different utility, all of which goes towards the ruling Capital City. To flex its absolute power over the districts, each year the capital forces each district to either supply, or have randomly chosen 2 "tributes" from ages 12 to 18 to compete in The Hunger Games, which are televised death matches in specially designed arenas. The games end when only one kid is left standing. The books follow 16 year old Katniss Everdeen from the poverty stricken District 12, who finds herself competing in the hunger games, and her struggle to survive against the capital city's tricks and the other tributes all trying to kill her and each other.

Now I've actually read the three books, and trust me when I say they are EXCELLENT. It's probably one of the best times I've had reading a book series. Hell I read the entire third book in one day. By the end of it my eyes were bleeding and I was in convulsions for 72 hours, but it was worth it dammit! The books do not shy away from the dire situation characters find themselves in or the world that exists around them. Very often they go into extremely dark places and rarely is anything held back. They are violent without being gruesome and once the tension starts it never lets up. Only the first book covers The Hunger Games, so whether this movie is a hit or a flop, you'll get an ending, I wont spoil what goes on in books 2 and 3, but if you're a fan of sci-fi tinged stories about all controlling fascist governments, you'll have an idea of where things head. And even then, things only become more bleak and desperate. By the looks of the footage shown, all couple seconds of it, it at least looks like they are filming this with the alarm the subject matter requires.

The film is directed by Gary Ross, who's previous films include Pleasantville and Seabiscuit, so he at least has enough talent to not make it shit. I REALLY hope this film delivers. The books scream for film adaptations and could really deliver something compelling just as long as they don't shy away from the dark tone of the stories or short change any of the character moments. This has potential to be brilliant, as the books already are. They had better not fuck it up, cause I really want to see books 2 and 3 get turned into films, as those two would be the most visually appealing. There is of course a romantic subplot in the series, as there is with every book or film that has ever fucking existed, involving a bit of a love triangle so you can fully expect the studio to try to market it this to the Twilight crowd. This to me is a great folly. They risk alienating NORMAL people who don't give a fuck about sparkly vampires. This is nothing to do with Tiwlight. It's infinitely better written and a million times the better story. So don't be turned off when you see the eventual marketing ploy trying to make idiotic teen girls pick which of the two male leads in the series are their favorites. Sigh.  I'm going to have a hell of a time yelling at people that this has as much to do with Twilight as shit has to do with apple pie. Selling this towards Harry Potter fans would have been FAR wiser. But then again Hollywood is basically a living corpse without a brain at this point. Oddly enough, the Twilight dinks who have read the books  all HATE the third book. Mainly since  it is as far from being a happy go lucky book as you can get.

So there you have it. I'm sure the next trailer will show a lot more and give a better sense of what the story is. I'll just keep my fingers crossed that they don't fuck this up. This here is right near the top of movies I want to see next year, and I'll eat live kittens if they botch it. That's it for this edition of trailer park! May the odds be ever in your favor.

By the way that little whistle you hear at the end, that's the thing that got me most excited, since it relates to one of the most tragically moving moments in the entire series. Glad they got that in there.

Weekend Box office(or lack thereof) report!

Another sloooooow weekend for Hollywood. They would say it was the hurricane that hampered business down this weekend, but I'd say horse shit. You can expect these slow weekends to come for a while. I'm not sure there's anything coming out anytime soon that will be making much, or looks appealing enough to make anything. Until that sparkly vampire movie I suppose. But anyway, here's this weekend's rundown:

The Help, in which witty black people show white people about life, came in at number 1 again with a cool 14 million. This one is most definitely headed towards Oscar nominations now. if only for the hope that it will get people to actually watch the show

In number 2 was the new release "Colombiana", a movie about a hot chick who kills people. This one in particular stars Zoe Saldana who played Uhura in the new Star Trek, and a blue monkey/cat in James Cameron's "Fuck You! I Make Money!" er, Avatar. It only made $10 million. She should have gotten naked in it! Would have at least made another $2 million. Then again probably not. It's OK she'll go back to playing a blue thing when "Avatar 2: Fuck You Even MORE Money!" comes out in 2014.

Number 3 went to the horror remake Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, produced by the brilliant Guillermo Del Toro. He should have directed instead. Would have gotten better reviews and probably made more than the $8 million it shit out. By the way, will someone do me the kind favor of asking Hollywood WHY exactly they don't release horror movies in fucking OCTOBER?? What is a movie called "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark" coming out in bright and sunny fucking AUGUST? Why did FRIGHT NIGHT come out last week in the very UN-frightful AUGUST? WHAT ARE THESE MOVIES DOING OUT IN AUGUST??? And then what happens is there are NO horror releases in October except Saw In Space, or the new run it into the ground franchise, Paranormal Activity. A film series in which audiences are scared into becoming whimpering assholes by watching absolutely NOTHING happen on a movie screen. Turning on the kitchen light and finding a roach on the floor is scarier. Perhaps I should film THAT and make $70 million dollars easy. They'll make 20 sequels, each time having a hapless character turning on the lights in a different room of a house only to find a roach on the floor! This is genius I'm going to go copyright this idea right now before you steal it.

At number 4 was Rise of the Planet of the Apes. A movie in which witty monkey's teach white people to go fuck themselves. It made just over $8 million for the weekend, which means it probably wont be in the top 5 much longer. Which is good cause I am tired of having to type out that giant ass title.

And finally at number 5 is "Our Idiot Brother". A movie starring the idiot Paul Rudd for idiot audiences that only made an idiotic $6 million dollars. Idiots.

And there is your box office report. Of the top 5 here, only The Help and, sigh, Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes(fucking tired of typing it!) are making money and are both considered big hits. Which is good, cause down with white people! So until next time....which will be next weekend of course, kill whitey!

Unfortunate movie review: PRIEST

Hey you, reader! Did you like the above movie here? If you did then you're an asshole! Cause you see that poster up there? That poster is the highlight of this movie. It's also a complete fabrication as the movie spends only 3 of it's 86 minute running time within that Gothic looking city there. The rest takes place in the desert.That desert gives a better representation of this film. Bland, boring, dull, and lifeless.

Taking place in an alternate reality where catholic priests haven't actually molested any little boys on the count that they have been waging a war with Resident Evil knockoff looking vampires for decades, humanity has finally won that war with the aid of specially trained...uh...PRIESTS that have all sorts of objects that can slice and dice those no good bloodsuckers where they lie! The church, just as dumb in this reality as they are in ours, disband the priests once the war is done. Cause, you know, fuck it.This is all told at the beginning of the movie mind you, in an ANIMATED sequence. Yes ANIMATED. The movie might have fared better had the rest of it been animated, but as it is, it feels completely out of place. Like they ran out of money and said "lets just draw some toon's!" From there we see a nice happy looking couple.....hey....can it be? HEY! it's Stephen Moyer! Bill Compton from True Blood! And he IS NOT playing a vampire! Oh gotta love that stunt casting....oh nevermind he's done. Moving on. Uh, so um, yeah we see a happy looking couple with a teenage daughter get attacked by the long believed dead Resident Evil Knockoffs(

see!) they dispatch of Bill Compton and wife and take the teenage daughter for their own purposes. Oh and there's also a cowboy with the vampires. He's played by the usually reliable Karl Urban. As it turns out the girl is related to the main character in the film, a Priest by the name of....um.....I actually don't think he has a name, but he's played by Paul Bettany! Anyway he urges the church to let him go out and fight some vamps but apparently they are thinking of the pros and cons of underage male penis and yell at him for suggesting vampires are alive. Grumbling he sets off anyway along with the local sheriff, yes sheriff of the town in which the family lived. And the church sends out other retired priests to hunt him down for disobeying and Karl Urban as an uber vamp is up to no good and this that and the other.

The problem with this movie is just how LIFELESS the whole thing is. It's all so drone and empty. There is no heart, emotion, care, NOTHING. It's as if the movie was directed by Prince Valium from Space Balls

And that malaise spreads to everything else in the film. Visually its dull. Even the futuristic cyber church city looks like a poor man's Blade Runner ripoff. And worst of all it spreads to ALL of the actors in the film. Paul Bettany is a good actor, but he looks like he has to take a shit throughout the entire movie



Bathroom! There

And then there's the fact that everyone in the movie is attempting to do their best Christian Bale Batman movie voice. They all talk in a grizzled "i'm fucking dark and miserable fuck you!" voice and it comes off terrible. Poor Paul Bettany's accent keeps tyring to slither through the grizzled asshole voice. So half his dialogue ends up sounding like they called "action" when he was still gurgling on Listerine. "Arre Yuo WReaedy? I'nm gohng to kheill vampywres!" I felt sad for him. He looked only comfortable when he had to play it silent and just kill things and throw around CGI metal object at other CGI creatures. Sadly, that doesn't happen nearly as often as you'd expect. Or maybe it did and I was looking at my action figure colelction. Not sure. 

The FUCK, are you DOING!

Most laughable is the character of....um.....a female Priest thats sent to track down the Paul Bettany Christian Bale impression and turn him back to the church. She doesnt of course becuase she's in love with him. We know this becuase she hints it to him in ways that are meant to be subtle, but come off so  obvious you roll your eyes. If James Cameron had designed his movie Titanic to be in the shape of his penis, THAT would have been less obvious that anything she says in this movie. She's played by actress Maggie Q, who has no tits, no ass, a body as thin and flat as a block of wood but is Asian and therefore the hottest living thing on the face of the earth, and her mix of love and boredome probably constitute the worst performance of the film. Only Karl Urban get's away with anything since he has the intelligence to know he's in a lump of shit and therefore hams it up as best he can.

Priest isn't an offensibly bad movie. At no point did I get angry and curse upon mother Earth for watching it. It's just so BORING! The movie is 80 something minutes and even THAT feels too long. At the end of it all, you feel as if you've watched nothing at all. It ends, nothing much is accomplished, closes with a cliffhanger, you pull it out of your blu-ray/dvd machine, look at it, pack it back in it's netflix envelope and continue on with life as if NOTHING has ever happened. I watched this movie last Friday and only NOW I am writing this review since I only just remembered I even watched this fucking thing an hour ago. So verdict:: Skip it. It's a total waste of time and you'll never even remembered you watched it. Cuase there is literally NOTHING to see here. Neither good or aweful, it's a ghost of a movie that serves no purpose in life other than to....wait what movie was this again?

Grade: D-