F*ck you America! Volume 1: Krispy Kreme Donuts

Welcome to my newest column, F*ck You America! Where i take a shot at our beloved nation with it's near zombie like populace and point out an injustice we the smart must suffer due to the complete lack of restraint, intelligence, and brain power displayed by the vast majority of our fellow fucking countrymen! Let us begin:

 

 

You know what I miss? Krispy Kreme Donut Shops! Remember those?

 

 

 

A few years ago, Krispy Kreme were all the rage! Freshly made donuts hot off the oven dipped in obscene amounts of frosting that felt like you were eating the penis of God in your mouth. They tasted better than sex! Well no they didn't but they were some damn good donuts! And for a while America embraced this deliciousness and Krispy Kreme shops opened EVERYWHERE! They were approaching Starbucks levels of availability. If you wanted a donut from the trenches of Heaven, you need only walk 10 feet and bump into a Krispy Kreme. It was great! The gluttony was so vile, so horrid, so scrumptious! It seemed as if we would always have delicious donuts available to our beck and call for all times...

 

But then it all came tumbling down and rolling us over in a heap of lard. The news media satrted to pick up on the fast growing amount of Krispy Kreme donut shops, and did something the media very RARELY ever does. They SHAMED us! They SHAMED this country! Our glutton thrown in our faces! Images of bulbous guts sticking out from under 4XL shirts dominated news footage! Then we as a nation were embarrassed and ashamed of ourselves as the sight of 400 pound fat assholes trampling over grandmothers to be the first to taste a warm donut from the newly opened krispy kreme shop just opened spilled all over the news. As a result, the entire country decided that it would go on a diet! And for a brief, wholesome period, we as Americans all went on a diet! Forsaking donuts, McDonalds, ice cream and everything else that contributed to our corpulence.  The news media was proud of us! We were patted on the head for deciding not to have heart attacks by 35. Everything was happy!

 

But as usual with diets, it only lasted about 15 minutes before we decide its too hard and food too good to keep at it, and America did what it does best and just said "fuck it", grabbed a beer, took off it's shoes and turned on the game. Sadly, by the time this happened, the damage to Krispy Kreme was done. The stocks fell deeper than the earth's crust, and all those newly opened stores where many a grandmother was crushed by the sandals of 500 pound 50 year olds in a desperate need of a sugary fix, all closed down, never to be opened again. And we as Americans were too busy catching our breaths from the 10 minute power walk on the treadmill to notice them all gone. Thus endeth Krispy Kreme.

 

So we now live in a country where everyone is still not only fat but getting FATTER by the day, but with no Krispy Kreme shops at all! If you want a freshly made donut, you have to brave a Dunkin Donuts. Problem with that is the fact there's only about 4 good Dunkin Donuts across the country. The rest are populated with pimple faced teenage virgins and fresh off the boat immigrants, and never seem to have ANYTHING there. You might get lucky and come across a glazed donut. Or if chance favors you on a specific day you might actually find a vanilla frosted one! But it's not likely. So thanks America, and fuck you! For being  a nation of morbidly obese, sexless assholes who decided they would diet just long enough to kill off the best tasting donuts a person could find this side of the Atlantic. If you're going to be a nation of fatso's at least have the decency to keep the donut shops open for those few of us who know how to show a bit of restraint and enjoy a sweet treat every once in a while and not on a 24/7 sugar binge! Assholes.