Weekend Box office(or lack thereof) report!

Another sloooooow weekend for Hollywood. They would say it was the hurricane that hampered business down this weekend, but I'd say horse shit. You can expect these slow weekends to come for a while. I'm not sure there's anything coming out anytime soon that will be making much, or looks appealing enough to make anything. Until that sparkly vampire movie I suppose. But anyway, here's this weekend's rundown:

The Help, in which witty black people show white people about life, came in at number 1 again with a cool 14 million. This one is most definitely headed towards Oscar nominations now. if only for the hope that it will get people to actually watch the show

In number 2 was the new release "Colombiana", a movie about a hot chick who kills people. This one in particular stars Zoe Saldana who played Uhura in the new Star Trek, and a blue monkey/cat in James Cameron's "Fuck You! I Make Money!" er, Avatar. It only made $10 million. She should have gotten naked in it! Would have at least made another $2 million. Then again probably not. It's OK she'll go back to playing a blue thing when "Avatar 2: Fuck You Even MORE Money!" comes out in 2014.

Number 3 went to the horror remake Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, produced by the brilliant Guillermo Del Toro. He should have directed instead. Would have gotten better reviews and probably made more than the $8 million it shit out. By the way, will someone do me the kind favor of asking Hollywood WHY exactly they don't release horror movies in fucking OCTOBER?? What is a movie called "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark" coming out in bright and sunny fucking AUGUST? Why did FRIGHT NIGHT come out last week in the very UN-frightful AUGUST? WHAT ARE THESE MOVIES DOING OUT IN AUGUST??? And then what happens is there are NO horror releases in October except Saw In Space, or the new run it into the ground franchise, Paranormal Activity. A film series in which audiences are scared into becoming whimpering assholes by watching absolutely NOTHING happen on a movie screen. Turning on the kitchen light and finding a roach on the floor is scarier. Perhaps I should film THAT and make $70 million dollars easy. They'll make 20 sequels, each time having a hapless character turning on the lights in a different room of a house only to find a roach on the floor! This is genius I'm going to go copyright this idea right now before you steal it.

At number 4 was Rise of the Planet of the Apes. A movie in which witty monkey's teach white people to go fuck themselves. It made just over $8 million for the weekend, which means it probably wont be in the top 5 much longer. Which is good cause I am tired of having to type out that giant ass title.

And finally at number 5 is "Our Idiot Brother". A movie starring the idiot Paul Rudd for idiot audiences that only made an idiotic $6 million dollars. Idiots.

And there is your box office report. Of the top 5 here, only The Help and, sigh, Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes(fucking tired of typing it!) are making money and are both considered big hits. Which is good, cause down with white people! So until next time....which will be next weekend of course, kill whitey!