Weekend box office(or lack thereof) report!

So here's something I always fancied writing about but never did due to lack of space/time/energy, the weekend's box office take at the movies! For some odd reason I always like to see what ends up where and with how much. Just to see where audience interests lie and what movies end up making it and which ones don't. So maybe I'll start doing these weekly in my usual acidic fashion. Feel free to comment! Or I'll get lazy again. And none of us want that.

This weekend saw the release of 4 wide releases. And none one of them managed to make a dent! Instead, two steady hold overs held firm and took the top spots Here's a brief rundown.

The number one spot went to The Help. This years white guilt movie. It's been floating along steadily for weeks now but finally made the leap to number 1, getting good word of mouth and a steady stream of cash. This is already a financial success and is already gathering rumblings of possible Oscar nominations. The Blind Side all over again

In number 2 was Rise of the Planet of the Apes(could also be a white guilt movie) holding strong a few weeks in already. Here's a summer movie no one expected to like or even see, but it's doing better business than anyone could have imagined. It's also one of the best things playing right now, and if you don't think so, you suck.

The third spot went to Spy kids 4. Director Robert Rodriguez continued apology to his kids for cheating on their mom with actress Rose McGowen. They'll likely just hate him more after seeing this. It only made 12 million for the weekend, but Rodriguez knows how to keep budgets at a low, so at the end of it all this one will probably break even. Enough for him 20 more.

And in number 4 we have the most geek hyped up new release of the weekend which nobody else gave a shit about, CONAN! Actor Jason Momoa(the awesome Khal Drogo on Game of Thrones) took over the role from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Nobody cared. The movie only mustered $10 million for the weekend. It cost $90 million. Ouch! Truth be told, its likely nobody gives a shit about seeing a Conan movie without Arnold. It's his second most iconic role after Terminator, Geeks will say its closer to the original source material the original movie was based on. But, I'm willing to bet audiences don't give a shit about the source material, or even know Conan exists outside of the Arnold movies. The box office take would seem to back me up on this. Also, I',m willing to bet the 3D for this didn't help. It's already a movie people don't give a shit about, and they'll give LESS a shit once they realize they have to pay double the money to check it out.

The Smurfs rounded out the top 5, still making more money then it probably deserves. But this will be the last time I under estimate nostalgia factor mixed in with a kiddie film. Hell there's a third Alvin and the Chipmunks movie on the way. I bet that ends up being a hit too. Shit.

The other two new releases for this weekend couldn't even land the top 5. Fright Night 3D(go fuck yourself Hollywood) made only $8 million! That's REALLY bad. Funny thing is this got good reviews and the handful of people who did see it all generally liked it. Unfortunately, that only amounts to an addition on one's netflix queue, not a trip to the theater. Speaking of which :adds Fright Night remake to queue: Cough. This starred Collin Farrell. Makes me wonder how the completely unnecessary Total Recall remake will fare next year. There was also some Anne Hathaway romantic film about who knows what. It only made $5 million. Bet she cant wait to be see in Dark Knight Rises.

So there you have it. the top 5 box office take for the weekend. Yes 5! You want the full 10, fuck you go find it! If you find this amusing, do let me know. Maybe I'll do it again next week! If there's anything left to make money anymore. Which i honestly don't think there is. There sure as shit isn't  a single movie coming out from here to December that makes me want to go spend money and sit in a dank theater surrounded by assholes. Got other, better things to do. Like this bloqck!

By the way, for those wondering:
White Guilt Movie: a movie where your average white person, the type who will walk to the other side of the street when they see a black person, can appease thier guilt of hidden racism by liking a movie where a black person is a source of inspiration. Examples include Driving Miss Daisy, The Blind Side, and anything with Will Smith.