Unfortunate movie review: PRIEST

Hey you, reader! Did you like the above movie here? If you did then you're an asshole! Cause you see that poster up there? That poster is the highlight of this movie. It's also a complete fabrication as the movie spends only 3 of it's 86 minute running time within that Gothic looking city there. The rest takes place in the desert.That desert gives a better representation of this film. Bland, boring, dull, and lifeless.

Taking place in an alternate reality where catholic priests haven't actually molested any little boys on the count that they have been waging a war with Resident Evil knockoff looking vampires for decades, humanity has finally won that war with the aid of specially trained...uh...PRIESTS that have all sorts of objects that can slice and dice those no good bloodsuckers where they lie! The church, just as dumb in this reality as they are in ours, disband the priests once the war is done. Cause, you know, fuck it.This is all told at the beginning of the movie mind you, in an ANIMATED sequence. Yes ANIMATED. The movie might have fared better had the rest of it been animated, but as it is, it feels completely out of place. Like they ran out of money and said "lets just draw some toon's!" From there we see a nice happy looking couple.....hey....can it be? HEY! it's Stephen Moyer! Bill Compton from True Blood! And he IS NOT playing a vampire! Oh gotta love that stunt casting....oh nevermind he's done. Moving on. Uh, so um, yeah we see a happy looking couple with a teenage daughter get attacked by the long believed dead Resident Evil Knockoffs(

see!) they dispatch of Bill Compton and wife and take the teenage daughter for their own purposes. Oh and there's also a cowboy with the vampires. He's played by the usually reliable Karl Urban. As it turns out the girl is related to the main character in the film, a Priest by the name of....um.....I actually don't think he has a name, but he's played by Paul Bettany! Anyway he urges the church to let him go out and fight some vamps but apparently they are thinking of the pros and cons of underage male penis and yell at him for suggesting vampires are alive. Grumbling he sets off anyway along with the local sheriff, yes sheriff of the town in which the family lived. And the church sends out other retired priests to hunt him down for disobeying and Karl Urban as an uber vamp is up to no good and this that and the other.

The problem with this movie is just how LIFELESS the whole thing is. It's all so drone and empty. There is no heart, emotion, care, NOTHING. It's as if the movie was directed by Prince Valium from Space Balls

And that malaise spreads to everything else in the film. Visually its dull. Even the futuristic cyber church city looks like a poor man's Blade Runner ripoff. And worst of all it spreads to ALL of the actors in the film. Paul Bettany is a good actor, but he looks like he has to take a shit throughout the entire movie



Bathroom! There

And then there's the fact that everyone in the movie is attempting to do their best Christian Bale Batman movie voice. They all talk in a grizzled "i'm fucking dark and miserable fuck you!" voice and it comes off terrible. Poor Paul Bettany's accent keeps tyring to slither through the grizzled asshole voice. So half his dialogue ends up sounding like they called "action" when he was still gurgling on Listerine. "Arre Yuo WReaedy? I'nm gohng to kheill vampywres!" I felt sad for him. He looked only comfortable when he had to play it silent and just kill things and throw around CGI metal object at other CGI creatures. Sadly, that doesn't happen nearly as often as you'd expect. Or maybe it did and I was looking at my action figure colelction. Not sure. 

The FUCK, are you DOING!

Most laughable is the character of....um.....a female Priest thats sent to track down the Paul Bettany Christian Bale impression and turn him back to the church. She doesnt of course becuase she's in love with him. We know this becuase she hints it to him in ways that are meant to be subtle, but come off so  obvious you roll your eyes. If James Cameron had designed his movie Titanic to be in the shape of his penis, THAT would have been less obvious that anything she says in this movie. She's played by actress Maggie Q, who has no tits, no ass, a body as thin and flat as a block of wood but is Asian and therefore the hottest living thing on the face of the earth, and her mix of love and boredome probably constitute the worst performance of the film. Only Karl Urban get's away with anything since he has the intelligence to know he's in a lump of shit and therefore hams it up as best he can.

Priest isn't an offensibly bad movie. At no point did I get angry and curse upon mother Earth for watching it. It's just so BORING! The movie is 80 something minutes and even THAT feels too long. At the end of it all, you feel as if you've watched nothing at all. It ends, nothing much is accomplished, closes with a cliffhanger, you pull it out of your blu-ray/dvd machine, look at it, pack it back in it's netflix envelope and continue on with life as if NOTHING has ever happened. I watched this movie last Friday and only NOW I am writing this review since I only just remembered I even watched this fucking thing an hour ago. So verdict:: Skip it. It's a total waste of time and you'll never even remembered you watched it. Cuase there is literally NOTHING to see here. Neither good or aweful, it's a ghost of a movie that serves no purpose in life other than to....wait what movie was this again?

Grade: D-