 |
| I'm not even putting the movie poster. THIS picture is a better representation of this thing. |
I cant even FATHOM where to start with this one. There.....I.......
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!!!!!!! GOD!!!!!!!!!
This makes Transformers 3 look like Saving Private Ryan.
Sigh. Alright. So Hanna is about.......FUCK!!!!
Alright so Hanna is about a father and daughter who have been living deep int he woods somewhere. The dad, a former CIA agent, has spent all these years training Hanna how to be a killer about educating her and this and that. All in preparation for the day when she would have to confront the real world and deal with the mysteries of her past. Yeah sounds decent enough. Now imagine every possible way to make that scenario FAIL and you have the movie Hanna. The MAIN issue with this movie, is the fact that it's filmed in Euro style hyper activity, with brain dead American writing. The combination forms a total disaster of a movie. You have oddball characters with nutty little quirks, you get super speed editing set to the tones of techno music, and plot twists as dumber than you can imagine which you can spot coming a mile away, and lets not even mention the endless amounts of plot holes. But the movie tries to compensate for all this by being VAGUE about every single little detail you can possible imagine. Throw in a typical hint of lesbian love interest and you have yourself the perfect mish mash of the worst kinds of styles form both sides of the pond.
Then of course is the problem that nothing in the movie even matters! No plot point lingers long enough to have meaning, no sequence has any lasting significance on the next, no character means shit, NOTHING AT ALL MATTERS! You could erase EVERYTHING and EVERYONE from this movie except for about 5 characters and it wouldn't make a difference. BUT all the characters act vague and weird, so HOPEFULLY, you don't notice that nothing they do makes any sense and half of them don't mean shit!
The movie is also BORING as sin. I kept closing my eyes and nearly drifting off to sleep. This is supposed to be fast paced action movie? THERE IS BARELY ANY ACTION IN IT!!! Hell a whole hour of the film is dedicated to Hanna hanging out with a family made up of plot contrivances. They aren't real people mind you, no part of any of them is believable. But they are walking in your face metaphors that let you know Hanna is experiencing the world! In her own freakish, vague way. And even THAT makes it sound better than it actually is.
The best part of it all is the fact the movie becomes more absurd and unwatchable as it goes along. By the time it reaches it's final half hour, it becomes SO over stylized, and the plot SO redundant, I wanted to shoot myself in the face. I couldn't even believe I was sitting through his heap of horse shit. And the final 5 minutes of the movie, I just started laughing! LAUGHING!!!! Because at that point, they start throwing out the SYMBOLISM at you! It's like LOOK! REMEMBER THIS DEER SHE WAS HUNTING FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE? WHERE HERE IS ANOTHER DEER IN THIS DARK TUNNEL!!! AREN'T WE FUCKING CLEVER!!!
Christ. Movies this bad insult my humanity. Hanna, a cinematic equivalent to a dirty dishwasher, its a fucking mess. A disaster of a film that doesn't even manage to be entertaining with its awfulness. It's just bland, boring, dull, redundant and fucking annoying. It's the worst goddamn thing I have seen this year by far.
Christ. Transformers 3 and now this shit. I don't even think I want to see anymore new movies this year. This is hideous. Though maybe I'll check out that Fast Five thing. I hated part 1, never saw any of the others, but Fast Five got surprisingly good reviews from the stuffy, elitist critics who usually hate those kinds of movies(they liked Hanna because it was stylized eurotrash). But hell it's at least got The Rock and Vin Diesel fighting each other, so it at least KNOWS what the audience wants. I think I will check it out. Cant possibly be any worse than this pile of puke right? Right??
Grade: F
No comments:
Post a Comment