Politics? Schmolitics!

Yo-ho! It's an election year! And therefore it's time to get back in the grind and perk my head up like a meercat and pay attention. Or maybe, eh! I'm not going to get sucked into it like I did last time. No more of that! My blood pressure spikes up, i get angry, annoyed, and irritated. I lash out and break things....oh wait that's my standard Thursday! I'm just not gonna take it so seriously anymore cause I don't give much of a damn. This country reaps what it sows. I've turned blue in the face telling you why voting for these right wing fucks is as useful as drinking a spoonful of  hydrochloric acid, so if you don't get it at this point, then you're either brain dead, indoctrined by mamma y pappa, or have a death wish. Or you hate black people. Either way, I'm done with that shit. Instead i'm just going to do what i like to do best. MOCKERY!

So let's begin tonight with the first major event of the year, the one that gets the ball rolling in choosing a republican candidate for president in this lovely year, the Iowa Caucus! Iowa Caucus. Caucus. The hell kind of word is caucus? It sounds like a Shakespearean term for taking a shit! "Hither art thou Romeo? Upon a privy depositing a caucus?" Fuck this word! I'm not using this word! Piss off! Sounds like i'm choking on my tongue. CAUCCKCUAS!!!

Anyway, what this event is, is a bunch of white people, and one woman, go to Iowa and kiss the ass of aother inept white people on why they should be chosen as the candidate for president. These inept white people then head off to a...somewhere....yell at eachother for a few hours then decide who should be the nominee, and that asshole wins. The asshole than runs around saying he won the Iowa Caucasian and usually loses one of the next few primaries, geting eliminated from being of any further use and making the Iowa CAUCCKCUAS as useles as it sounds. Or something like that. Look I dont know what a Iowa Cacophony actually is and I dont give a cauc. Whoever wins this still has a long shot to go to win the nomination, so this is basically a way to make an otherwise irrelevant state with a bunch of uneducated morons feel important. But anyway, here's who won  and who matters from here on out:

Willard "mitt" Romney

Mitt Romney is almos the sure fire winner of the republican nomination this year, strictly out of DEFAULT. Every single other candidate is either too stupid or too insane to be the nominee. So by luck, he'll be the nominee, despite the fact that republicans HATE him. Romney's problem is he's the STEREOTYPE of a common politician. He panders, and changes positions depending on who'se ass he needs to kiss. He's too much of a fake for brain dead right wingers! Imagine that! Never the less, hes's the ONLY one with any chance of fighting Chocolate Jesus come November. So expect mass depression from right wingers soon.

Ron Paul:

Ron Paul doesn't believe in unnecessary wars. He also believes in legalizing weed. For that reason, young people who cant see beyond three feet support him. Paul also wants to abolish medicare, social security, currency, every single department of government, Israel, women's rights, gay people, Sascha Baron Cohen, racial tolerance, and jolly ranchers. In other words, he's a fucking lunatic who will never amount to shit outside of anywhere other than 4chan. Irrelevant candidate is irrelevant. But white people who hate black people love him since he wants to abolish government and therefore deny the ability for poor black people to get money. Yay him.

Rick Santorum:

The above picture tells you why this man will never be anything outside of the hearts of the most brain dead of brain dead religious retards who exist in Iowa and vote in the Iowa Cacodemon. Santorum also has an uncomfortable hatred for gay people. He LOVES talking about the evils of the gay. Even saying that it was equal to beastiality. This leads me to believe that Santorum has deviant fantasies about having anal sex with large bulldogs in bow ties who resemble Fabio.

There's other candidates running too....but nobody gives a shit about them right now since they all did DICK in the Iowa Shitsauces. So we'll avoid talking about them for now.

And thus begins the long slog in the right wing's attempt to find a candidate for November. It sure looks like a depressing crop of idiots running this year. I cant imagine anybody happy with this. Well, except maybe this guy: